SNL - Justin Beiber

So. This is my opinion, and it's probably one that's going to get me in trouble with people, especially on the Interwebs, but here it is. I think Justin Beiber is overrated. I don't think he can act, and he used to be able to sing half-decently, but since his voice dropped, it's too raspy and sounds weird. He's pretty attractive, but I still don't really like him. He also seems a little too full of himself. I mean, he made out with a mannequin head on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. WHO DOES THAT?! Well, and then Jimmy did it too haha but I love Jimmy, and it wasn't HIS idea, soo... He can get away with it. I am kind of mad that SNL is letting him host AND be musical guest, because 1) that will only serve to inflate his ego further, and 2) he really isn't overly talented at either of those things, certainly not up to the calibre that the 'host of SNL' title implies. I do, however, have to forgive SNL for this, especially after they allowed the love of my life (a singer, no less) to host two weeks ago (Adam Levine - AND HE DID A DAMN GOOD JOB OF IT!!!), and Bruno Mars (who I also adore!) back in the fall - altho Bruno began his monologue by saying he didn't think he'd do well, and then proved himself wrong. 

Come back soon, Bruno!!

And I have to shake my head at my darling Jimmy because when JB was on his show, he referred to this episode of SNL as 'the Justin Beiber show' and I was like 'REally?! Does he need you to feed his ego?! Not at all!!!'. But there you have it. I definitely think this is going to be one of the rare SNL episodes where the sketches don't focus around the 'host', where the cast members are going to have to carry the jokes, because otherwise it would be a total train wreck. But anyways. Here we go.
The opening sketch is about the power outage at the Super Bowl, where they're trying to update on a situation where there really is nothing happening to update on. And they keep plugging 2 Broke Girls. And now they're throwing to a commercial of Bill in a pedo stache dancing, which is frightening me a little, because they ran out of proper commercials. 

According to the SNL Facebook page, Bill won the Internet with that sketch. He's too creepy. But he should win in general, just for killing EVERYTHING they make him do!!! Love you Bill :)

Taran is all pissed because they keep throwing to him on the sidelines, and he has nothing new to say about the situation. This is a fascinating sketch, and it's hilarious because Beiber is not in it.
I hope they can get the audience to quiet down, otherwise there won't even be a show. Just screaming. Thank god my TV has a mute button. He's combining Black History Month and Valentine's Day, by talking to girls in the audience about African-American progress... And Keenan keeps correcting him. And he's looking off to the side, which is awkward. OMFG WHOOPI GOLDBERG IS IN THE AUDIENCE!!!! AND THE SCREAMS WERE EVEN LOUDER FOR HER - as they should be!! They have GOT to keep up this whole surprise-famous-people-in-the-audience-during-the-monologue thing. Cos that is freaking awesome. 

Whoopee, it's Whoopi!!!

THE CALIFORNIANS!!! There may be hope for this episode yet... I love these blonde people who give specific directions to everywhere! And then always ask 'what're you doing herrr?'. OMG I think Bill's wearing a fake hand. He might lose his hand.. Especially considering he is holding a power saw. Beiber is a ragamuffin that was sleeping in their bathtub. His voice isn't bad, but he keeps staring at the cue cards and not moving his head at all, plus he keeps fudging his lines lol. This might bother me. OMG when they did that thing with the dramatic music where the camera focuses on just one person and they look all shocked, they flipped to Bill from 2 different cameras like 6 times in a row and I LOST it hahaha he's such a pro.
OK my friend just put this in perspective for me - she compared Beiber to Kristen Stewart. But then I realised that Stewart is worse lol. Because she's actually supposed to be an actress. And at least he's capable of smiling. 

How are you feeling, Bella? Sad? Happy? Angry? Bored? Asleep?
Melancholy? Oh, who are we kidding, it's always melancholy..

Now we have Justin playing himself. Shocking. And they've got a Harry Potter-esque idea where they made a bunch of 'body doubles' to protect him and Jason is mocking him secretly, because all they have to do to sound like him apparently is say 'swaggie'! And then they sing compared to him, and the real Beiber is vocalising WAY too much - HOLD A NOTE FOR LONGER THAN 2 SECONDS, I DARE YOU!!! Then he goes 'well that one kind of looks like me' and HAHAHAHA it's Kate as Ellen!! Then Jason carries him into the hallway singing the song from The Lion King. I'm glad they're at least pointing out how ridiculous he is. 

They look the same to me...

Now they're mocking the Real Housewives franchise with a commercial about how everyone has their own reality show - including the Real Houseplants of Beverly Hills hahaha.. Also Beiber managed to do a 2-word line in an Austrian accent. So I'll give him that one.
Note to Global execs: OK I get it, Valentine's day is coming up. Does there really need to be a condom commercial literally ever commercial break?! Like seriously.
That's why they had Whoopi show up earlier - to introduce the 'musical' guest. Who claims to be talented with many instruments, and yet won't play his own guitar O.o Weird. And NOW he has no problem looking into the camera!!! But during the monologue he was all 'Oh what's that to the left of me, that's apparently very interesting, because I keep looking at it!' I'm creeped out. He keeps looking at me. I'm hiding behind my laptop screen. AND WTF IS THAT SHIRT MADE OF??? 

Is it vinyl? Is it alligator? Is it mesh?! Who knows?!!

At last!! Seth!! At least the host usually doesn't show up during Weekend Update... He called Wolf Blitzer a drone, and said Alicia Keyes' rendition of the national anthem was the longest ever at the Super Bowl, because it ended 2 and a half minutes into the first quarter. LAWL!! And Richard III's best friends from growing up hate him (shocking, considering that's the character) and apparently Richard called Vanessa's character ugly!! How could you do that!!! 

I mean really, King Richard??!! She's gorgeous!!!

Also Seth made fun of Honey Boo-boo and then made a shocked face as the audience was like 'whaa?' Also a survey shows that the first thing people judge their date on is how good their teeth are, followed by the quality of their grammar. And then Seth goes "Good news for whomever has both" and grins at the camera. *Sigh* he's so pretty!!!! I actually blew a kiss at my screen when he said that. I'm not ashamed.

Lucky indeed, you beautiful creature...

And then he said the one thing that I've been thinking ever since the news about the Monopoly iron being retired and replaced with a cat - "So, the next time you play Monopoly, you can be the iron. Because no one is going out and buying a whole new game." I'm pretty sure my family's Monopoly game is older than I am. Touche, Mr. Meyers. Touche. (I don't know how to do the accent on Blogger... Don't judge me) A Grease parody where Cecily and Justin went on a date. And he opened the car door but he tried to push it not pulling it open... So he's stupid. But she loves it!! Ahahaha.. Also, I noticed something, he has a cigarette or something behind his ear, and it fell off at one point, but then was back when it next panned to him - continuity!! Clearly he picked it up. And he tells her he's 11. Which, aside from his height and abs, I totally believe.
OMG THEY BROUGHT BACK THE MILEY CYRUS SHOW!!!! And they updated her hair lol.. Which I find hilarious, because when the REAL Miley Cyrus was on the show, she played Beiber haha...

With the new hair, she's now trying to be 'edgy and adult and sexy' and I'm laughing because of the mockery of one more of the famous people I can't stand.. Beiber's playing the president of her fanclub, and he called himself a douche and a lesbian. I LOVE YOU, SNL WRITERS!!!! But then he said "I heard he got caught smoking weed, and he's really sorry and people make mistakes and he's never going to do it again" and the audience screams. Damn. Plus she admits to being married and Billy Ray didn't even know about it LMAO ok Beiber nailed being obsessed with her. Although he didn't quite get the fast-talking-500-question-asking thing down, I understand that that would be really hard - no one is really as talented as our Vanessa!!
I also love the costume department becasue they put Beiber in his old hairdo for the next sketch, he's Nasim's boyfriend who is visiting her family and Taran is her brother who is kind of a douche, but then Justin ended up saying 'glice' instead of 'glad' or 'nice' and Taran keeps mocking him for it. Also, Beiber's managed to pull of a mild Southern accent, and then he and Nasim both started cracking up because Taran's just SO OVER THE TOP!!!! I LOVE IT!!! Also he looks like such a child compared to Taran lol cripes, I never realised how big he is!!
Damnit there's a sketch about him delivering a 'special Valentine's Day message from Justin Beiber to you' which of course sent the audience screaming. But then there's a twist. His friend Taco (Bobby in a onesie) who is 'always there'. Innnnteresting... 

(He sent her a picture of his crotch)

AND OMG (commercial break) Cascades paper towel brought back their commercial featuring ALEX BILODEAU!!! For those of you who are American, he's this gorgeous (even my mom thinks so, which is saying something) Olympic moguls skiier and Michael Buble lookalike. I love him. And not just because he was the first Canadian to win a gold Olympic medal on home soil. EVER. Although that was really freaking awesome. 

You'd have to be crazy not to find him cute!! Plus, he's a total sweetheart.
I'm proud to recognise him as my fellow Canadian.

Anyway, back to 'the Justin Beiber show', he's also not playing his own piano. I CALL BULLSHIT!!!! Also, maybe the mannequin on Thursday was the warm-up for him making out with that microphone that's hanging from the ceiling. O.O A little disturbing.
OK Lorne Michaels, I officially forgive you. You've more than made up for Beiber by bringing back Principal Frye. I LOVE HIM. 

"Attention teachers and students..."

"If you get shot by an arrow on this Valentine's day, that is not Cupid. There is a hobo with a crossbow sitting on the other side of the parking lot!" And Beiber's nerd voice was actually hilarious. He plays the president of the dance-planning committee who is talking (along with poor Nasim, playing his girlfriend) about abstinence. And according to Principal Frye, "The last abstinence-themed dance didn't work, because someone just gave birth in the photo booth. And I have confiscated the pictures."
OK I must give Beiber props for the generous hugs he gave all the cast members afterwards. That seems pretty humble, good on him. Plus, I mean, who WOULDN'T want to hug Seth?!!
And then the TV gods have smiled upon me once again, because right after, they showed the Alex Bilodeau commercial again. HALLELUJIAH!!
PS - shoutout to my pal Katie for helping me with my Beiber zingers tonight :P

Bones - 'The Corpse on the Canopy'

Remember that sick twisted bastard Pelant? The one who framed Brennan for murder, and killed a whole bunch of people, set Angela's computer on fire, tried to make Hodgins kill him, and then changed his identity via computer once he was arrested, so they couldn't prosecute him?

THIS creepy sonofabitch?!!

Yea, he's back. And the rundown of all the history with him at the beginning of the episode took over a minute.
Angela and Hodgins wake up because Michael is crying, then something drips onto his face and it's BLOOD AND THERE'S A FREAKING BLOOD-SOAKED BODY ABOVE THEIR BED!!! Angela rushes into Michael's room, and he's fine but screaming but there are flower petals in his bed. I have to say I don't think I've ever heard either of them scream before. It scared me.
Booth and Bones get there and the 4 think it was Pelant's work. Apparently they were drugged, there was a hole in the vent to their bedroom. The petals were from a crocus which are common in Egypt. The body was skinned and the mandible was removed. It's a man, who was dead less than 24 hours. Hodgins is reluctant to bring in an outside 'help' but they lock down their lab and don't use the computers, and make a giant shield which Caroline refers to as a giant high-tech equivalent of a tinfoil hat. 

Gotta love this woman. Sassy even in the scariest of situations.

Then we see a scene where Pelant is doing something involving lasers and an ID badge. Weird, usually Bones is one of the few shows that doesn't show the preparations their evil serial killers are making.
Booth, Sweets and Caroline are reviewing Pelant's old crimes, and they mention that he's eliminating his 'new identity' as well as his real one. I don't understand how that's possible, he has a paper trail! Good grief.
Brennan found shrapnel in the muscle of the victim, and evidence that means the victim was a war veteran.
Cam can't find any toxin in Hodgin's blood, which causes him to flip out, because he wants to protect his family, but he can't. I've never seen him so mad and upset at the same time - it's a little frightening, but mostly I feel bad for him!
Agent Flynn tracks Booth down and says 'hey, want my help?' and then opens a briefcase with classified documents in it, from the Pentagon, so Booth brings him onboard. Honestly, I don't trust him. Maybe it's because he took over the case when Bones was on the run, maybe it's because he's played by the same guy who is up to no good on The Mentalist, or maybe just because he gives off the same is-he-a-bad-guy-or-just-a-bureaucratic-asshole vibe that Granger did on NCIS:LA. I dunno. But I don't like him.

Evidently I'm not the only one who has considered this...

And remember his suspicious actions with that marigold in the season premiere?! That's weird!!
Anyway, he and Booth ID the victim as a Navy SEAL named Freeman. When Booth and Sweets check out his apartment, they find an open gun safe and very few personal belongings. This leads them to believe that he was working for a company named Serberus that trains and equips mmercenaries, such as Freeman. But when they talk to a guy from Serberus, he's less than cooperative, saying that if 'this guy' did kill their man, then they'd deal with him. Themselves. Which makes a small part of me hope that this big bad organisation will take Pelant out, but at the same time, I think he feels like he's too smart for guys who use brute force to get their way.
Bones and Cam find evidence that the SEAL was injected with something, possibly a neurotoxin, and the dosage was enough to kill him; Cam says "He literally died from pain." Which is typical of the sick freak Pelant, to torture people before killing them. Man, I hate that guy!!
Sweets goes to Hodgins and tries to reason with him, but Hodgins is very angry and muttering like a man possessed (he has papers and Post-Its all over the walls of his lab) and then when Sweets tells him to 'take a breath', he startles and rips a page out of a book and then walks out of the room, all the while repeating the phrase. I know I've thought he was crazy in a crazy-genius way before, but now I think he's gone off the deep end... 

Maybe he could share a padded cell with poor Zach...

Sweets then reccommends to Cam that she should take Hodgins off the case, and she refused to do so because she knows that Pelant is afraid of Hodgins, which is why he put the body in his room, because he wants him taken off the case. Wow. Cam should be the psychiatrist, that was a genius point! I never even thought of that!!
But wait, Hodgins is still crazy, because next Angela walks in on him preparing to snort Lidocaine so that he can biopsy his own lung. Yes, you read that right. Then Angela has the idea that she should biopsy her lung too. So they've both gone insane. Poor geniuses.
Bones' burn phone rings, and it's Pelant on the other end. And he says she's stupid, because she still hasn't figured out the clue he sent her from the first body. And so he mailed her a goddamn finger.
Hodgins has an Enigma machine! He's using it to send coded messages to Booth, which on the one hand is a good idea, because it doesn't involve the kind of technology that Pelant is good with, but on the other hand, he is very good with codes, and therefore could decode the messages if he found a way to intercept them... Nevermind.
The mass spec shoots out the results from the lung biopsies, and it says: C4H3F7O1 No, that's not a liscence plate, it's a chemical formula - and I don't know how to do subscript on Blogger, sooo.... It's a anesthetic gas, which is only produced by 2 companies - both of which are owned by the Cantilever Group, meaning Hodgins owns them. And he's off!
OK the finger was actually a monkey - which would explain the weird hair stuff on it. The finger is 'pointing' them to Vasalius, who was a 16th-century scientist who studied the human body by dissecting the same species of monkey that the finger came from. Angela matches the body to one of his drawings (because it was skinned, eviscerated, and had the jaw removed), but they can't figure out the significance.
Hodgins found the guy who bought the gas, his name is Justin Trimple, which they figure is a new alias. When Flynn wants to run the name through 'the database' (why do they always use such an incredibly vague term? What database? Google? Where is ALL information in the history of EVERYTHING stored?!), they stop him, but then Angela gets the idea to spam this Trimple because it might distract Pelant long enough for them to find him, rather than just looking for this person he created, because he'd be expecting them to do that.

Pelant is working at Serberus when his phone begins dinging. 

And he's wearing a shoulder bag. Don't trust

grown-ass men who wear shoulder bags!!!

Whoops. Nevermind. Well, he's not REALLY fully-grown, anyway.

Anyway, then he goes to the computer and blocks the spammer - which means Angela knows where he is. And that he somehow became a part o Serberus after stealing Freeman's security card. 

Caroline needs a reason to get a warrant for them to take Pelant down, and I an biting my nails at this point, because there are 15 minutes left in the episode so I know it won't be that easy. She asks Booth and Flynn, "You want to break into a building full of a private army - with an FBI tactical squad?" and they look at each other and go "Yeah." Then she sighs and goes "Fine, but if you come up empty, I will not be there to cover your sorry asses, on account of I'll be too busy covering my own. Understand?"

SHE'S SO SASSY!!!

And then her parting words are priceless - "Suit up!", Barney Stinson would be proud.
The huge FBI team goes ito the Serberus building and begins to lock it down - intitially they're met with startled cooperation, but then a bunch of guys pop out of the elevators with huge guns and they don't put their gons down when told, prompting Booth to go "Seriously?!" Also, why is Booth the only person not wearing a helmet?! Seriously?! Pelant obviously sees everyone coming for him on the security monitors, and he looks panicked.. Which I quite enjoy.
Apparently there are huge gattling guns at each of the entrances that they have to shut down as well (who the hell protects a buildling like that?) and I just KNOW those are going to come into play later. We are, after all, dealing with a crazy evil hacker.
Back at the lab, Angela, Hodgins, Cam and Bones notice that there are holes cut in the muscles of the victim that do not match the Visalius drawing (and I have no clue if I'm spelling that right, sorry). But then they realise that the holes match up with the letters labelling each muscle on the body. The holes match the letters E, M, Y, L, C, U and they all stare at each other, while I've already figured out that it spells 'MY CLUE'. And Hodgins is supposed to be so great at puzzles. Pfft.
Pelant is running around all panicked, with a tablet, and he's doing somethin in the server room where there are a bunch of wires and blinking lights. That's not good.
Then they see that he's somehow hacked the security cameras and placed himself on all the screens at once. And there's another way out of the building, through some secret tunnel in the basement, that only the head guy knew about, but decided not to tell THE FREAKING FBI!!! Damnit!! They chase him, and he gets out and they're right on his tail, but then he presses some stuff on his tablet, and then remember those guns that I mentioned? Yea he somehow activated them, and it takes out Flynn. Shit. Booth manages to crawl to safety and shoots the gun, but then he has to drag Flynn out and Pelant breaks into a car in the parking garage and steals it, but then when Booth shoots at him, the car swerves and we the viewers see blood hit the windshield. So Pelant got away, but Booth did hit him. And somehow Flynn is still alive. Gee, it's lucky none of those rounds hit his head, considering HE WASN'T WEARING A HELMET!!!
The team figures out that the letters spell LYCEUM, which is a Greek word meaning school. (I still think MY CLUE was better, and come on, how did none of them at least notice that?) Then the workstations on the 8th floor of Serberus go back online and there's a code running across the screen, which gives the location of something in Afghanistan, Angela figures out that it's a drone, which they can't control, but then when she enters LYCEUM as a password, she can access the video feed, which shows that he's sending it to a school full of young girls. Damnit.
Then there's other data running among the coordinates, which Hodgins recognises as all his personal banking data. Pelant is draining his bank accounts! Wow, going after the money now? Greedy asshole... Angela says she can shut it down, but if she does that she will lose contact with the drone, and that means they can't send the Serberus planes the drone's coordinates, so they can't stop it... GODDAMN PELANT I WANT TO KICK YOU IN THE SMUG FACE!! THESE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO THEM?!!!
The girls at the school see the drone and start freaking out, running, and all the team has grim faces as Angela tells the drone to self-destruct, and it does so, just as all the screens show a balance of 0$.
Angela and Hodgins have a touching conversation about what they're going to do now (which, let's be honest, he still owns the companies, he'll make more money fast, and they have a huge house.. They'll be fine) and she says "We don't need the money!" to which he replies "Yeah, but it was a loooooot of money." They have each other though, and let's be honest, that's all the 2 of them really need.. They're so sweet. 

Poor Hodgela... Thoughts on the couple name?

Then we see Bones and Booth in their house and they're talking about how Pelant is injured, so he's weakened, but Booth points out that he can still make the next move, which is a scary thought.
Then it cuts to a bunch of dogs barking, which at first I don't understand, but then I realise that Pelant has broken into a dog shelter, killed whoever was there, and is using the vet supplies to stitch up the GIANT wound in his face.
Normally this kind of thing would gross me out, but I'm almost glad it happened to someone so damn evil... 

Don't be a baby, you evil bastard, it's just a flesh wound!

This will teach you an important lesson: never go up against Seeley Booth. He and my old pal Horatio Caine have one important thing in common - they always make the shot when it matters most.