SNL - J.K. Simmons

(Note: My roommate had some people over so I was unable to watch the beginning of the episode, but when it goes up online I'll watch it and fill in that part)

 There was a pretty awesome article for my inner TV-production nerd regarding the set preparation for last week. Read it here: http://www.vulture.com/2015/01/how-saturday-night-live-gets-built.html

I love Keenan's character (even though I have no idea how to spell his name) who hosts the 'Cinema Classics' bit, his emphasis of random syllables. It's the alternate ending of Casablanca and Simmons is Humphrey Bogart and Kate is Ingrid Bergman. His impersonation is excellent, and she just keeps whining and saying 'nooo, no, no nooo...' and then as soon as he mentions the concentration camps, she's totally OK with leaving. Eager, in fact. And she keeps interrupting his dramatic monologue. Then she shouts 'byeeee' and scampers away. (I'd do that too in her situation... although this reminds me that I totally still need to see Casablanca).

They're still trying to find a followup to the Digital Shorts. This one is called 'Teacher Snow Day' and is pretty hilarious - all the teachers are at the school going crazy, doing lines of chalk, having a rave in the teacher's lounge, Kyle is a chem teacher (wearing two pairs of glasses) and cooking meth in his classroom. And J.K. Simmons is the principal who actually RAPS (never thought I'd see that day!) and isn't wearing any pants. Pete is a student and showed up at the school accidentally and now has all kinds of blackmail material. Excellent concept, except for the fact that teachers get to stay home on snow days too...

Bobby has a hall pass. His desk, on the other hand... does not.

UPDAAATE!!! Colin is wearing a striped tie with a plaid shirt. Are we ok with this? I'm ok with this. And he smiled when talking about Mitt Romney not running for president (also, thank god for that).
Colin makes a good point about the Superbowl having that anti-domestic-violence ad on when the NFL players can't watch it.. OH MAN I love the Cecily character the one-dimensional girl character from a male-driven comedy!!! She thinks Colin needs to grow up. Aaaand she's pregnant. But her body doesn't show it. And the baby is Colin's. But clearly fake.

She's a girl. But also hot. And she likes sports. It's so confusing.

PS I don't understand the whole Tom Petty/Sam Smith thing. I don't think they sound anything alike. (Although I might be biased because I love the Sam Smith one and I've hated 'I Won't Back Down' since I was a kid). Here are the two songs in question, so you can decide:

JEBEDIAH ATKINSON IS BACK!!!!! I was just thinking the other day, why hadn't he been around lately?? And here he is!!!! "All about that bass, bout that bass, no talent". BOOM! And the U2 thing reminds me of my unpopular opinion #47 - I didn't hate the entirety of that free album... NEXT!!! "If anything, the Beatles ruined Yoko" hahahahaha... He reminds me of a guy I went to highschool with whenever he reacts to the audience cringing... YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON JEBEDIAH!!

J.K. as an old man trying to use Microsoft Word to type a letter - and Bobby is dancing in as the new paperclip guy (he's a pushpin now). And he's super irritating. And apparently voice-activated now. And then he gets all sad when they try to disable him, which is apparently synonymous with murdering him. Damnit they just made me feel bad for a little help icon. And it looks so funny because they greenscreened out Bobby's legs so he's just balancing on the point.

Ahh, nostalgia. I do not miss this little bugger. 

Seriously, how many pretaped bits are they going to do? This one is a biopic on Jay-Z, but for some reason they've got Mike O'Brien playing him (I thought he got fired?) and being all dorky and Sasheer as Beyonce (totally nailed it) and OH MY GOD JASON SUDEIKIS AS KANYE WEST!!! JASON I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!! J.K. is Nas. Is he going to rap again? OH DEAR GOD Jay Pharoah's impression talent knows no bounds. He just 'gave him the idea' for Empire State of Mind and SOUNDED EXACTLY LIKE HIM. Damn. If they ever do actually make a Jay-Z biopic, (or a Kanye one, or a Will Smith one for that matter) I nominate Jay for the role!!!

JASON!!!!!! #SudeikisHostSNL2015

Is it just me, or do they use the same set for all the classroom sketches? J.K. is Pete's dad at 'career day' and he's telling the kids that he's a 'Japanese Messy Boy' which apparently means he has to wear underpants and a bib and eat messy food while rich Japanese ladies watch him. For $45,000/day. And Pete's embarrassed. Naturally. And I know that SNL has never been one for racial sensitivity, but that caricature of a Japanese voice they did on the phone there was just BRUTAL...

Anyways, that's it for this week!

SNL - Blake Shelton

I don't know a lot about Blake Shelton, other than he's a country singer, a judge on The Voice and has a bromance with Adam Levine.  No idea how he'll do as an actor, but I guess he can't do any worse than Justin Beiber...

Teehee.

The cold open is about that weird football inflation scandal.. I think Taran is channeling his own Ashton Kutcher impression for this Tom Brady impression. And Kate got to scream at someone, Bobby got to scream back at her... Basically, this whole thing being blown out of proportion (I see what I did there).

Yeeeah, nobody thought you were.

Blake referred to himself as the 'Justin Beiber of country music' and oh dear, that's really not a compliment, you know... Oh so now he's going to sing the monologue hahaha. I wonder if he's gonna be able to hide his accent at all in the sketches? Leslie's wearing a blonde wig and wants to be excused.

Parody of The Bachelor with Blake as a country guy from Iowa trying to convince a bunch of girls to marry him and move to Iowa with him. They're basically all clones of each other and don't care about how crappy his hometown is. This is pretty much like what the actual Bachelor is like, I swear. And then Aidy throws a loop in the pattern and starts crying about her dad dying (ten years ago). I'm surprised they didn't have any of the guys dressed in drag for this sketch.

Pictured: Literally any season of The Bachelor. Ever.

Now Blake (in a bad wig), Kate, and Aidy (in a wig reminiscent of one of the Judd sisters) are singing a song about a 'wishing boot' that comes to answer the prayers of people... this is so weird... The song almost sounds like a commercial. For food. (PS Seth Meyers tweeted that he loved this sketch. So who am I to question the master?)

(Commercial break) What the heck, they made another Spongebob movie? This one kinda/sorta live action?? But... why?!

FAMILY FEUD!!! I love Keenan's impression of Steve Harvey!! And everyone else's impressions of other people!! Really, Blake's playing himself? They couldn't pretend he was some other country singer? Taran's impression of Adam Levine is awesome. I forgot Keith Urban (Kate) was Australian... Sasheer's pretty funny as Nicki Minaj! Beck looks nothing like Harry Connick Jr. (Or Michael Buble, for that matter). And I love Kyle, but his Steven Tyler could use some work. Although A+ job by the costume department on him!! Very accurate!! And apparently Adam and Blake just want to make out (off-camera, of course).

He DID steal it from Smokey the Bear!! I knew it!!

I've never liked country music. A lot of people at my university do, and for some reason there are a disproportionate number of country bars in my hometown, but it has 100% never been my thing. Other than a little Martina McBride and Shania Twain when I was really small. But that was more pop than country...

UPDAAATE!!! Everyone's so excited about the State of the Union - especially him LITERALLY BURNING JOHN BOEHNER WHICH WAS AN AWESOME JOKE!!! More football jokes... And all I could think of is this:

Bobby plays Riblet, Michael's friend from childhood, mocking his job, who apparently has been reading 'since he was 15'. So he does a bunch of the jokes. Is this Bobby auditioning to take over Update? As long as he doesn't take Jost's job, I'm cool.
Colin too deadpannly said that joke about his dad never hugging him... AND THEN HE SMILED AND NODDED VIGOROUSLY AFTER ONE OF MICHAEL'S JOKES!! I'LL TAKE IT!

Pete is apparently afraid he might be gay, he wrote this piece just to convince his girlfriend that he isn't - and says Colin's a straight 8, and a gay 10. I think he's more of a straight 9... And I can't speak for gay people. But his reaction to the audience screaming over him was adorable. And Michael thinks Colin look stupid in instant reply, but I DISAGREE!!

Michael's ex-girlfriend (Sasheer) is reporting for them and they just keep arguing - Colin doesn't want to be dragged into this, so he wheels offscreen - NO COLIN SWEETIE COME BACK WE WANNA SEE YOU! Turns out this girl is dating someone new - AND IT'S RIBLET!! Hahahah

Good job Riblet. I hope we see more of this guy.

 (Commercial break) OK can we seriously stop putting covers of famous songs into commercials?!! It's driving me nuts! Don't get me wrong, I love peanut butter, but I don't need to associate Elton John's 'Your Song' with those Kraft teddy bears!!!! Grrr...

I don't really see the point of this next sketch, Cecily, Bobby and Blake on a parole board, emphatically refusing parole to Keenan, who is a prisoner who ate people and is deluded into thinking they're all still 'on the fence' about their decision. And apparently he'd eat his younger self if he could. I have to say, I can't decide which was funnier, Keenan's casual obliviousness or the other three being so damn emphatic.

I'm a little uncomfortable about the next one, Taran as an old man who wrote a song (sung by Blake) about his dead wife which was all sweet and then turned really unpleasant.. And I'm just wondering why they don't have any more recent photos of the wife?? Those were all 50s-era sepia shots. But the makeup team did an awesome job making Taran look old.

This is actually an unusual amount of in-sketch singing they've gotten Blake to do. Maybe they had as much faith in his acting abilities as I did. But he's done pretty well!

Last sketch of the night, Taran as a magician, who Blake keeps heckling from the audience. He wants Taran to use his powers to make him rich. And know what women are thinking. And he wants to be a black guy. Or have Wolverine claws. Or guns for hands. Or chicken nuggets with ranch. Or the power to go down on himself (hey, didn't you know, all you need for that is to remove two sets of ribs, just ask Marilyn Manson... Right?)

The end!! J.K. Simmons, a.k.a. the greatest male parental figure in Juno (I know he's been in other things, but I love that movie and I love him in it, so shhh...) is hosting next week, with a musical guest I've never heard of. So... yay! See you then!

SNL - Kevin Hart

This is really late in going up so I'm just gonna be brief..

The opening sketch with Pete writing a report on Martin Luther King, Jr. and Keenan (as MLK) talking to him about the state of the world today. And yes, Selma should have been nominated for more Oscars. Total bullcrap. That sketch made a lot of good points! And I think Pete might have gotten his first 'Live from New York' intro! Yaay for him!

Kevin Hart is afraid of a ton of wild animals eating his dog - where does he live, Australia?? And a raccoon tried to break into his house.

I have heard so much about this next part - Kate's parody of Justin Bieber's Calvin Klein commercial. She really looks short! And douchey! Excellent impersonation!

I see no difference.

Kevin hosting a talk show about why people post various things on Instagram - and he yells at them. Then sends them into 'the wall'. And I think they had a minor glitch there because the couch actually ran into the wall first before it went through the hole. I hate it when people post pictures of their injuries online. It's gross. And you could not possibly avoid seeing it!

Kevin and Jay and Keenan taking the subversion of expectation thing to the extreme - acting like tough guys and then throwing in left turns all over the place - like his 'bitches' being the dogs he walks, and going to Martha's - which is an artesinal mayonnaise place. But then Kevin shot a dude. So that's unpleasant.  But I see what they did there - they subverted the expectation once you caught on to their subversion of expectations. Mind games.

Not pictured: Kevin's 10 bitches.

Kevin as James Brown, asking each individual member of his band if they want to get more funky. And they're all pretty non-committal about it. And now they need to figure out who's going to bring out the capes. Cos Samantha won't. This bit is so goofy I actually love it. Everyone wants chicken parm (with mustard?)

 Beck looks like my uncle.

Aidy is hosting a talk show with a reunion of the cast of a really old soap opera. Why did they need a couch that big for two people. Vanessa's character's entrance music sounds all fartsy and she keeps complaining about it and everyone else doesn't notice that there's anything different about it.. And the sound director (Kevin) speaks English but doesn't understand it. Which makes no sense.

MORE BEIBER UNDERPANTS AD!!! He (well, she) looks like a giant baby in the underpants and tanktop. And that poor model (Ceily) hahaha

Airplane!!!

OK Sia, I love your voice, but why are you wearing a mini tutu over your face? All I want to see now is the sketch Jim Carrey did when he hosted hahah with the Sia dancer-costume and they ran all over the studio. Remember that? That was pretty great.

UPDAAATE!! I've missed my boy Colin... And he did a Jersey accent and it was not great, but adorable. He brings out a woman from his building (Kate) to talk about how to get along with your neighbours. Pretty cute.

There's a smile!! I see a Jost smile!! All is right again

Colin also does his impersonation of a stoned guy. Not bad. Some pretty decent jokes this week. Not nearly enough that made Colin crack up, though.

The next bit was really dramatic singing Medieval people (Keenan, Sasheer, Cecily, Taran) singing about needing to leave their homeland/castle and move on because their homeland is too dangerous. While Kevin walks between them asking sensible things like 'whose shirt is this?' and reminding them that they don't have time to keep singing, they need to leave.

Kevin is not impressed with your vocalizing, Taran. (But I am)

 This is hilarious!! Especially because he's so short and he's just running around all ineffective and jumped onto Taran because a dragon scared him. And then as a plot twist, Leslie makes her first appearance of the week as Kevin's wife and sings some more (but convinces them to leave) and tells Kevin that if he left without her, she'd kick his ass.

HE'S SO TINY!!!

Leslie shows up again in the next bit, and tells Kevin (as himself) that she slept with him several years ago and had a kid with him - Jay, bringing his best impersonation game - and Kevin is telling her that clearly he couldn't be his son because 'he's 6 foot 2' (Actually he's 6 foot 1) and that's bullshit because Leslie is so tall that the height could come from her side... BUT THEY WERE SO ACCURATE WITH THE SAME MANNERISMS I WILL SET ASIDE THE CRAPPY GENETIC LOGIC!!

I'm not sure if the mime going along with Sia's next song is actually doing proper sign language... But if he is, that's pretty cool. And god, her voice is remarkable.

Kevin showing off his new rap album to his friends - turns out it's about all their secrets. And he keeps yelling 'pew pew pew bap bap gunshot sounds' He has so much energy jumping around, I'm loving this!

Alright, that's it for this episode, Blake Shelton is next week! (And by next week, I mean tomorrow night... Ooops)

NCIS:LA - In the Line of Duty

An embassy is attacked, and the terrorists waste roughly ten seconds shooting into the air as a warning before they actually aim at any people. The ambassador (guest star Julie Chen!) managed to escape, but her head of security was killed (Sam happened to know that guy, of course).

I recognize the guy they're talking to, probably he's one of those random actors who plays a cop on every crime show. Anyway...

Sam and Callen go to Tunisia to investigate - sans backup, because that's how they roll - and Kensi and Deeks go to talk to a really angry bald guy who, for some reason, thinks Deeks thinks terrorists might possibly be 'excusable'.. um, what?! Do you know what this guy does for a living?! Of course he doesn't think that, you daft imbecile!!

Or - as Max Brennan would say, 'bombastic twit'! 

Let's show these bad guys smoking so they look even more like assholes. Sam and Callen need night vision goggles even though there's enough light in that room for us to pretty clearly see what they're doing. The bodies of the murdered security agents were left in the room where they were killed. So now Sam and Callen go all CSI on us.

Even though nobody saw them when they came in, the terrorists somehow became aware of their presence and alerted the other guards, came in firing - and apparently Eric, Nell, Hetty and Granger are just standing around to talk Callen and Sam through their mission. Couldn't Hetty be doing something more useful? Some kind of plotting?? And Granger could be off spoiling someone's fun??

Now they have a giant 3D printer thingy that they've set up in the gym, to print out an exact replica of the crime scene. This is cool and all, but what exactly is the shape of things going to tell them? If they can't see the colours or whatever, they can't really tell what everything is..

And I'm still confused about how Callen said they needed to get the dead guys' bodies home.. And then they just LEFT THEM THERE!!! If that's a priority, this is why you don't send just 2 guys in, and then have the bad guys discover those two guys, and shoot up the room (and presumably the victims) further...

But that's none of my business...

Kensi and Deeks storm into the angry bald guys' office because they find out he lied to them about the last time he saw the victim. Apparently information being 'above your pay grade' and 'above your security clearance' are different things. Who knew?

There's no blood pool, no entrance or exit wounds on the bodies. SUSPICIOUS!!! Somehow this leads them to think they were killed by smoke inhalation.

No blood? Shame, we won't have to call in Finn.

Kensi and Deeks just so happen to be leaving the office when some random sketchy guys show up and are clearly trying to shoot up the building. They are thwarted. And I don't know about you, but I always carry bundles of money around with me in my bulky briefcase with my gun...

Eric does his best Shamwow guy impression and 'but-wait-there's-more' throws in extra information on those guys that Kensi and Deeks killed/scared off. I dunno about you, but I would buy anything he tried to sell me.

Although, nobody does it like the King.

Turns out the bad guys from the shooting are probably going to try to kill the ambassador because she's in town to attend the funeral of one of the guys killed.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT SCANNER THINGY PICKED UP A FULLY DETAILED SHOE PRINT?!! I CALL BULLSHIT!!! Also, Eric and Callen are both surprised by the ability of the printer, I'm surprised neither of them (especially tech geek Eric) have never seen it at work before.

Deeks and Kensi have a retro-off, even though they're the same age. Deeks tells the random consultant guy that he'll come to love the 'adorable partner banter' hahaha. Turns out the CIA is related to something happening in Tunisia - code name 'dogleg'.

Granger asks Hetty if she hasn't gotten sick of drinking tea all the time. RUDE! 'All the tannins are going to turn her into suede' he says, and my mind goes here

Must be said in one's best Jason Segel voice.

Instead of using Eric's fancy software, they have Sam do an old-fashioned tally count (come on, there were more pictures than that) through all the terrorist's surveillance photos, and they realize the dead guy Sam knew was the actual target, not the ambassador. And they were trying to kidnap him, not kill him, in Tunisia. Well that went well. Aaaand now they're after the angry bald guy, because he was the boss of the security guy, and therefore knew all about the Dogleg operation.

Various things compromising various top-secret things, the angry bald guy has been kidnapped, and we can eliminate anyone wearing flip-flops or clogs because Kensi found a boot print matching the one from the Tunisian crime scene. 'Mockery' is Deeks' middle name!

Marty Mockery Deeks sounds like a nursery rhyme.

Going through the main gate is too obvious, so the terrorists will not be expecting it! They literally used a BLOWTORCH to open the gate, while the bad guys stood patiently on the other side waiting to shoot whoever was coming through. THEY ACTUALLY USED RAPPELLING ROPES OK THAT WAS COOL! Even though they were just going over a hedge.

Slightly more entertaining than this movie.

They had a whole staircase-on wheels for Sam and Callen to get to the top of the hedge, but Deeks is dainty so he can just use a ladder. 

Although they could have just asked the Bluths to borrow this.

For some reason, the kidnapped guy was really happy to get Callen's praise, even though he'd already demonstrated he did not respect NCIS, like, at all. Weird. 

Deeks really wants a Hetty bobblehead. I smell a CBS merchandising opportunity... I would buy the crap out of that. Especially if they made it talk and she said 'oh bugger'. And was holding a cup of tea. YES. GET ON THAT GUYS!!!

Big Bang Theory - The Space Probe Disintegration

 BBT won the 'favourite TV show' award last night at the People's Choice Awards - I was a little surprised that it beat Game of Thrones but I guess it appeals to more people than GoT. Johnny Galecki looked very orange when they accepted.

Sheldon wants to play Lord of the Rings Risk, which apparently will take eight hours. The girls are going to veto their plans, and choose something to do instead. But it turns out Amy's ideas are just as unappealing to Amy. Amy's hips don't open wider than 22 degrees, which is why she can't go horseback riding. And she has brittle ankles. Sheldon is afraid of Zambonis, so skating is out. 

Raj is part of a space probe team and is freaking out about whether or not the probe (on its way to Pluto) will work. Howard attempts to distract him and apparently Raj didn't actually crash a stationary bike, he got lightheaded and fell off. Because his playlist was too up-tempo. See, this is why I don't exercise.

Wise words.

The girls end up shopping and the guys just have to sit around and hold their purses. But there's no cell service so they are incredibly bored. Everytime Sheldon goes to use his phone but remembers he can't, he goes 'son of a biscuit' and it's hilarious. (Although this is silly, there are plenty of games and apps that work without service, are you telling me neither of them has Angry Birds?)

Especially considering this exists.

I'm really distracted by all the pretty dresses on the rack behind Sheldon. I really want to go dress shopping now... Plot twist! Sheldon knows how to drive! Apparently Amy taught him. And he gets the pedals mixed up. He also thinks it's generous of him to not tell Leonard that he has lettuce in his teeth.

Raj is now becoming somewhat religious, which astonishes Howard. Howard also thinks Albert Einstein slept with Marilyn Monroe. Which is news to me...

I don't understand why TV shows/movies always have change room doors that cover from people's shoulders to their knees. Just so the characters can converse. That's so impractical.  I mean what if a customer is taller? Or the fact that someone can just walk up and look *over* the door?!!

Although then I guess this scene wouldn't have happened without the ridiculous door heights... Nevermind.

Sheldon says he can see his ears in his peripheral vision. And now I've strained my eyes attempting to see mine. They get in a fight and Sheldon tells Leonard to move out with Penny and this is really sad... Sheldon's crying and Leonard's crying and now I feel bad!! Wow this really must mean a lot to Sheldon, he agreed to let Leonard whistle! (When he's not home, of course).

Raj is getting really deep right now and I'm really impressed... Oh wait nevermind, he flipped out because some guy opened his door into his car, and apparently his dog's hair got cut so that 'she looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber' hahaha - but it's all ok! The probe turned itself on! It's all okay!

Penny relents and lets Amy pick the next activity, which is basket weaving!! To be perfectly honest, that does seem kinda like a neat hobby, I just have no clue what I'd do with a bunch of baskets.

NCIS: LA - Spiral

Sorry for the late post, I had a MASSIVE headache last night and wanted to get to bed early (of course, this did not happen).

Callen's undercover as a mailman and the evil boss guy is onto him and suddenly threatening him - and suddenly there's a hostage situation in the office building. Well that timing was convenient (for Callen anyway). The boss asshole decides to try and negotiate with the hostage-takers and they kill him. Well, duh. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming.

Good job, children! Although this might be too violent for you... Go watch Spongebob.

Meanwhile Kensi is meditating (in her jeans...) and Deeks is messing with her. So she takes him down with one hand, without even looking. The terrorists are demanding the release of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. An office building seems a really random target for such a thing. Especially  on a Saturday. Then again, so did that cafe in Australia... That was really scary stuff. And this was filmed before that even happened, which is a messed-up coincidence - these terrorists are hanging jihadist flags on the walls too, but Callen notices 'half of them are upside-down'. Brilliant!

The security guard for the building gets the crap kicked out of him by one of the terrorists because he stepped in to protect the stereotypical hysterical woman who won't stop sobbing. Callen, and a doctor-lady who he asks to help him, thinks that the guard has a broken rib. Said security guard is played by none other than Patrick Gallagher, a.k.a. the former Coach Ken Tanaka from Glee. 

I guess now we know why he was always on that cart.

Kensi, Deeks and Sam attack some of the terrorists outside the building (they're apparently not communicating with the ones inside, so they don't even know anything's happening?) and they discover that the whole thing is rigged to blow up in the event of an attempted rescue (in which case I really call bullshit on them not having some kind of walkie-talkie action happening with the people upstairs).

OK so the bad guys upstairs did find out somehow, and Callen just keeps walking around without them seeing him. Although he's watching hunched over, so I guess it's like *sneak* mode in Skyrim and he's invisible.

I miss Skyrim logic.

When looking through the dead arms dealer's credit card records, they find out he shopped at a lingerie store, which causes Eric to say the word 'panties' which causes Nell (and me) to look at him funny.  Then they discuss underwear and she gets all flirty and breathy and he starts talking really fast. HAHAHAHA I love it when Nell has the upper hand. Let's face it, she ALWAYS has the upper hand.

Who remembers this?! This was adorable!

Kensi and Deeks also do sneak mode and join the hostages, although apparently no one notices 'hey, those two weren't there before'. Or is watching the stairwell they snuck up. Must've failed hostage taking 101. And then some guy comes in and puts on a bomb-vest with a dead-man switch (one of the ones that will cause a detonation if the person lets go).

The only guy who's not wearing his mask suddenly decides to hit one of the other terrorists and point his gun at another one. That'll make them respect your leadership. They found the doctor-lady trying to sneak away, and decide to bring her to the head honcho rather than just killing her. This gives Callen time to play hero, and Sam bursts in at just the right time and kills a bunch of the terrorists (but the head guy gets away and no one hears the shots and comes running). Doctor-lady gets away too. Then the team figure out that the hostage-taking wasn't just a random building, but they were specifically targeting the arms dealer that Callen was following. Deeks forgets the important part from earlier - that thing about them blocking all cell service - and decides to take pictures of the bomb - WHICH NO ONE NOTICES! Are those masks obstructing their vision or something?Then he ducks out down the stairs again - come on...

Apparently the arms dealer was very specific about renting the office on that specific floor of that specific building. That's not suspicious or anything... Nell apparently forgets the no-cell-service thing too, and tries to call Callen and Sam, then acts disappointed when she can't reach them. And she wouldn't even know that Sam had located Callen by that point! Unless she's omnipotent. Which is entirely possible.

Well we know Hetty is all-knowing, and she's taking Nell on as her special project...

Deeks is still struggling with the same problem, so he shoots out a window (WHICH NO ONE HEARS?!) and hangs out of the building with his phone. Considering how afraid of heights I am, this part made me all shaky. But it was funny when he said 'That's a terrible idea, let's do that'. I think it's his new catchphrase. His own version of 'Imma risk it'.

Pictured: My worst nightmare. (Not ECO, of course. He's a good dream)

The security guard used to be a police officer, he figures out Kensi is law enforcement, and offers to help her. Sam leaves his phone on the floor, with a timer, to ring and lure in the confused terrorists - GENIUS!! Then he pops out of an open elevator and chucks one of them down the shaft. One of the hostage takers is Irish? And that's significant? Before he dies he says that 'this wasn't supposed to happen'. Conveniently, they manage to get through to Sam, and then Deeks (albeit fuzzily).

Then two of the terrorists come into the room, don't see Deeks, have some kind of vague argument, take off their masks and leave. Not sure of the point of that. But Nell manages to send Deeks instructions on disarming the bomb. Cos she's awesome.

Callen and Sam find the pharmaceutical lab that the arms dealer was targeting, and the doctor-lady is there too. She tells them that she'd worked at the lab and they'd developed a vaccine that has a problem and then became some kind of bioweapon - code name Spiral. I know I've been watching too many CinemaSins videos, but...

Roll credits!

The hostage-takers were former IRA members. Deeks apparently failed the EOD course he took at Quantico, but he swears he'll be fine disarming the bomb. Sam needs Eric to be more specific than 'Ebola on steroids'. Deeks panics momentarily, Kensi is the calm one and tells him to 'trust his training'. She's definitely going to mock him for that later though. I can feel it. My video froze. Damn Internet. Deeks' meddling worked! No explosion!

Hetty tells Granger he's not allowed to report the stuff about the Spiral virus, because that would lead to the army incinerating the building with missiles. Because it's her team in the building. Doctor-lady trying to destroy the virus doesn't wear gloves or a mask or anything else to protect herself. Deeks and Kensi attack the vest-bomb dude, who is roughly the size of a bear, and proceeds to kick and elbow Kensi while she prevents him from letting go of the detonator. Deeks bashes him in the head with a fire extinguisher, and the security guard (who was faking a heart attack) opens the elevator shaft, they shove him in and he explodes halfway down. No one else gets hurt. 

A+ work done by those elevators today. So useful.

The two maskless guys don't care about the explosion, they just want the virus - and look away just as Callen ducks out of  a doorway and shoots them both. Also, none of these stray bullets puncture any vials of deadly chemicals/viruses. OMG GUESS WHAT! Doctor-lady is evil! Saw that coming, she was waay too helpful earlier! Guys, she had red hair, how did you not figure out she was Irish! She goes on and on about how 'expendable' everyone is, then throws the vial and it shatters and Callen starts coughing up blood. SHIT! But Sam couldn't have shot her after she threw the vial/before she left the room?! If she was planning on throwing it anyways... 

NCIS owes the security guard guy drinks for life, Sam follows evil-lady-doctor to the roof, kills her and the pilot trying to helicopter her out of there. She drops the case with the vials, and Sam calls in the CDC. Then everyone watches really sad through the window as they treat Callen, and Hetty says 'this is not the end'. I believe her. And oh look! Still 5 more minutes in the episode!

*Two weeks later*

Callen wakes up in a hospital, in Georgia apparently. However, apparently there had already been an antidote developed. How convenient. Callen remembers Hetty being the last thing he saw before he passed out. He also decides to be all honest and tell Sam he can't sing, and that he hates Michelle's casserole.

Kensi and Deeks are meditating together and using the word 'zen' as a substitute for 'sex'. Nell and Eric decide to join them to make things even more awkwardly hilarious. I love it. 'Group zen'. Sounds interesting.