HIMYM - 'The Fortress'

Barney and Robin are having important discussions about their upcoming wedding, and he explains why his bed is on train tracks - because it would send women outside when he didn't want them to spend the night. Also, that flashback is a lie, because he used to only have ONE pillow on his bed, for that very same reason. PLOT HOLE!!!!

ONE pillow, people - ONE!!!

Where did all these pillows come from? Unless Robin brought them with her, since 1) Barney's resistant to change, and 2) her apartment didn't match his colour scheme.

Robin suggests they find an apartment of their very own, which he says will be difficult to find an apartment where he hasn't slept with anyone. This will be interesting. Marshall's bummed out because he hasn't seen Lily since she got her new job with The Captain. But there's a show called 'Woodworthy Manor' (basically Downton Abbey) that Marshall and Lily love watching together, and Lily keeps having to dash off to do stuff for the Captain. And then she stumbles in drunk from work and goes to watch with Marshall, but then gets called. Again.
Barney has a floating-head-projector that he uses only for 'really important stuff' like telling Ted Wendy's made a spicy version of the Baconator. And now he wants to 'bestow' on Ted his apartment fortress. Ted says no, and then locks him in the closet where the projector is and he freaks out!! So he doesn't have anyone 'worthy' to sell the apartment to, and Robin gets mad so he sends her and the bed off to who-knows-where ahahaha clever man!
Lily and Marshall were supposed to have a date night, but she got called out to work again, and Ted convinces Marshall to watch Woodworthy Manor without her.
Robin went behind Barney's back and set up an open house for his apartment, so he's mad, and Ted is pretending to be a British guy named Emsbury who is interested in the apartment (also keeps unnecessarily telling people 'I'm a cricket player who secretly hates his life') and when Lily shows up to partake in their charade, Marshall and Ted decide to pretend they are a couple instead, because Ted's 'been there' for Marshall lately, and Lily hasn't. Marshall tells her off repeatedly by pretending that she's a homophobe, and then snaps in a sassy manner.
Barney keeps pointing out the horndog-friendly, patent-pending aspects of his apartment, and turning off everyone who was interested in buying it. Lily decides to turn the tables by insulting Marshall (and another plot hole, she points out the giant plasma TV - BUT BARNEY DOESN'T HAVE A TV, HE HAS A BLANK WALL UPON WHICH IS BLINDINGLY PROJECTED TV STUFF!!! Come on, that was one of my favourite jokes from the episode where Lily stays over at his place!)

Ignore the arrow - LOOK AT THEIR FACES!!! That's them being blinded by Barney's INSANELY BRIGHT WALL-TELEVISION!!!! How could they forget such a crucial joke?!!!

Then Ted starts hitting on one of the prospective buyers of the apartment, and Barney shows off the key-phrase-activated fire sprinklers. Ted and the woman start making out in the closet and they are projected into the room for everyone to see and freak out about!
One couple decides they do still want to buy the place, and Barney gets upset and leaves. Then Marshall gets mad at both Lily and 'Emsbury' for abandoning him, and watches the latest Woodworthy Manor without them and spoils it.
The couple decided they were going to renovate everything in the apartment and pretty much destroy it, so she gets all protective and kicks them out! Then she tells Barney that she doesn't want to force him to change, because she fell in love with him the way he was. 

All together now: Awwwwwwww....

Lily and Marshall make up (even though he accidentally insults her cape) and she tells the Captain that she will work 'tomorrow' because she needs to spend time with Marshall. And Ted's alone. But then that lady from earlier shows up - and off he goes!
Robin and Barney use the escape hatch in Barney's apartment to escape watching Woodsworthy Manor. It sounds so boring - I LOVE IT!!! Hahahha