Showing posts with label hilarious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hilarious. Show all posts

Monday, 20 October 2014

The Big Bang Theory - 'The Expedition Approximation'

Friendly reminder - beginning next week, the Big Bang Theory is airing at 8:00 on Thursdays. Which means, since it's on at the same time as Bones, that I will be forced to only live-blog one (probably Bones) and wait until the other is posted online to watch and blog about it (Probably BBT). This will wreak havoc with my page views, I'm sure... It'll also make my Monday nights a lot less exciting.. but at least I still have NCIS: LA and that new show I'm really loving, Scorpion!!

Sheldon thinks that the most exciting thing to ever happen to dark matter is him beginning to research in the field. He also hates being able to tell when people are making fun of him (you and me both, buddy!)

Penny sold the car that Leonard gave her, so she gave him back the money he spent. And took a picture of them with the car and put it in a pink frame with puffy paint that says 'Best fiance ever!' He's insisting on her keeping the money, but she is earning plenty of money at her new job, so she doesn't want his money - and I think they're both being stupid, IT'S FREE MONEY!! If they don't want it, I'll take it!
I need one of these shirts. Except I couldn't afford it...

Leonard is very insecure about his insecurities. Raj and Sheldon are going to hang out in a steam tunnel (with Amy's help) to prepare for working in a mine. As a Canadian, the temperatures they're using (in Fahrenheit) make no sense.

Leonard and Penny turn to Howard and Bernadette for advice on their money thing, and they instead start fighting too. Way to go guys.

Sheldon thinks Miley Cyrus is a man. Raj educates him about Hannah Montana. The comparison to Superman makes me laugh. 
He combed back the curlicue! Clearly, he's a different person!
Apparently Howard gets an allowance, and that's just awkward (although now he's behaving like a child, so maybe it's fitting).

Sheldon is also having second thoughts about the whole dark-matter thing, and Raj inspires him with a speech about the space probe Voyager, then Sheldon freaks out because there are rats and he abandons Raj in the tunnel. Amy (and I) are impressed that Sheldon lasted a whole eleven minutes.

Apparently the solution to the whole money thing is to lay all the cash out on Penny's bed and have sex on it...  Ew
I totally would have gotten it in coins and then done this.
Raj totally blows up on Sheldon and I'm surprised, because that must have taken guts!

Alrighty, that's it for this week (seemed very short for some reason) I'll see all you BBT fans next Thursday, October 30th!

 

Monday, 13 October 2014

Big Bang Theory - The Focus Attenuation

Raj thinks Leonard 'tricked' Penny into getting engaged - and apparently he's almost done a pullup!

My friend gave me this awesome shirt for my birthday so I'm wearing it in honour of tonight's episode:
I might piss off some Trekkies... But I don't really care :P

Sheldon's hatred of travel destinations appear to all stem from various movies. 'I don't want to go to a lake house, have you seen The Lake House??'
Sure, nothing bad happens to THEM... The bad thing happens to me for having to watch this for 1.5 hours.


The girls are going to Vegas! This ought to be good... 

Surprise, surprise, Howard's only ideas for inventions are things you can have sex with. And now they're going to try to create the hover-board from Back to the Future 2.

The girls' trip is disrupted by Penny having to do work stuff.

Sheldon just referred to Leonard as his 'boy' lol I'm not sure what to make of that... And they're all quibbling about the proper tense to refer to things that changed the past after doing something in the future.

Drunk Amy keeps going on and on about how hot Bernadette is, and apparently she also has a divot in her spine! Their hotel room is SO NICE, man this happens every time people from a sitcom go to a hotel. 

GHOSTBUSTERS!!!! Bill Murray got wrong the meaning of 'negative reinforcement' in the opening scene (which I surprisingly didn't notice, even though I learned about that in my Psych class).
'You have a gift!!'


This episode seemed really short... Raise your hands if you're still astonished by the fact that Big Bang Theory is on its EIGHTH season. I mean holy crap.

Saturday, 11 October 2014

SNL - Bill Hader

Disclaimer: Former cast members hosting SNL is my favourite SNL-related thing. Ever. So expect a lot of fangirling this post. Sorry in advance. ON WITH THE SHOW!!! Tonight is also the exact 39-year anniversary of the premiere of SNL. Couldn't think of a better way to celebrate!!!

Bobby makes a hilarious Kim-Jong Un, talking about how athletic he is while being extremely short and telling one of his soldiers to punch him. Side note: I never noticed this, but Beck Bennett looks a lot like a young Darryl Hammond. I'm actually very curious as to where Kim-Jong Un actually has been the last few weeks. North Korea is weird.

BILL!!!!!!! He looks so skinny!! Maybe that's just the suit. And he's nervous, awww... Apparently Megan Mullalley is the one who discovered him and told Lorne to hire him - THANK YOU MEGAN!!!! We owe her so many laughs!!! KRISTEN!!!!!!!!!! She wants Bill to sing - and now I kinda do, too. "Don't make me sing!" This is not a Bill monologue! I was looking forward to a Bill monologue and it's all just Kristen singing... Oh well. I'm glad to have them both back. And then he sings and sounds like Harvey Fierstein... Who is now there too! Ohh how I love Bill's facial expressions... I wasn't at all surprised that Kristen showed up, I mean 1) they have that new movie coming out together and 2) she's everybody's favourite and 3) They are so amazing together and obviously besties.

That stache is legendary.



Herb Welch is back!!! Yaaay!! And he's interviewing Pete who's playing a highschooler who's taking a virginity pledge - and Herb thinks Taran is a mannequin. Who did they used to get to do the newsanchor for this sketch? Sudeikis? What the hell has he been up to lately? And how about Will Forte? I love that guy! Where has he been??

This next sketch is too funny - it's a mock-trailer that's a combination of all the young-adult post-apocalyptic franshises (Divergent, the Hunger Games, the Maze Runner, The Giver etc.) Bill is someone like Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games and talking in a high voice that reminds me of the Knights Who Say 'Ni' from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Pete is the main character, the 'chosen one' in this sketch - I'm so glad they're using him so much this week, he almost disappeared the last episode.
Funniest. Movie. Ever.

AND JIM CARREY IS HOSTING ON THE 25TH WHAAAAT!!!! Probably promoting the new Dumb & Dumber movie - which reminds me, I still need to watch the first one...

Kate MacKinnon does an excellent impression of Jane Lynch (although she's not nearly tall enough). Beck sound exactly like, but looks nothing like, Nick Offerman (I mean, they could have at LEAST given him blue contacts! Come on, people!) And more of Kristen!! We've reinforced what Bill said in his monologue - he only does impressions of people over 70. Al Pacino this time - who was apparently the first impression he ever did on the show.

The next fauxmercial is kinda awkward... They're making fun of those commercials where they ask for a really small amount of money to feed some people in a poor country - 'Why 39 cents??' But hey, Leslie Jones is back!

This is kind of sweet, they're showing an old sketch as tribute to Jan Hooks. Do they do this every time an ex-cast member dies? This one is really sad though, because it's her and Phil Hartman, and they're both dead now.

I've never heard of this guy Hozier before - but holy crap, that voice!!

WEEEEKENNNND UUUUPDAAAAATE!!!!! More Pete, this time as 'a hip-hop fan' explaining the new no-guns policy at the BET awards. He's so dry, too... Could give Colin a run for his money. Apparently he's 6 foot 3, 145 pounds and has a problem with wind. And he slouches. He's so cute.
He says he has bad posture because he hates himself... But look at that FACE!!!!


Billy Crystal was just accused of robbing the Yogi Berra museum! Wonder if he's going to take this! I also find it hilarious that Colin laughs at a lot of Michael's jokes, but none of his own.
I mean, he's got enough Yankees memorabilia... Right??
STEFON!!!!!!!!! YESSSS!!!!! (I totally called it, but STILL!!!!) He called Michael and Colin 'Barack and Mitt' hahaha he's cracking up, OF COURSE, I mean can you blame him?? And apparently Seth couldn't come, because he's 'at home, practicing how to sit behind a desk'.

I'd say he does a pretty good job of it.
WHAT THE HELL is that noise he just made?? I have no idea. I can't handle this. The rest of the episode could just be Stefon talking, and I would die happy. I really wish he'd interact with Colin, though - he's sitting beside Michael so they're just going back and forth. Apparently Stefon is pregnant!!! Hahaha COULD YOU IMAGINE how cute their kid would be??!!!
We need to send a huge thank-you to John Mulaney for creating Stefon (and making Bill crack up every time!!)


Now they're doing that sketch that I'd forgotten about, with the puppets where Bill's is a really scary army vet. Now with smoke coming out of the mouth!

(Commercial break) Holy crap I just realized that iPhone commercial with the two guys competing are voiced by JIMMY FALLON AND JUSTIN FREAKING TIMBERLAKE!!!

KYLE!! He hasn't done a weird-skater-guy sketch yet this season now he's hosting an 'inside SoCal' news-type show and I don't understand what's going on, but he's so cute so I don't care. Also, there are a lot of pre-recorded sketches this week.  Bill is being one of the other young dudes on the show and I don't buy it... Probably because his character is not over 70.

This Hozier guy has really strong eyebrow game.

The last sketch of the night was Aidy and Pete being adorable children who summon the Cat in the Hat (Bill) to come play with them and he knew their mother... *knew* their mother... But she's now married to Thing 2 who goes by 'Jonathing' now. (Side note, I had a cameo as Thing 2 when I helped backstage at my school's production of Seussical the Musical. True story.)
I wasn't lying.
Bill got so emotional at the goodbye, awww... and holy crap, Hozier is really tall.
My one criticism: THEY DIDN'T DO WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!!!! Although I guess too many of the people they used in that one are now gone. Sad Emily is sad.
But oh well, this was a wonderful episode and bless this show and bless all the people on it. And bless you all for reading, and bless Bill Hader for existing. (It's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend, so I'm very grateful for things!) Goodnight to you all, and I'll see you on the 25th!

Monday, 22 September 2014

Big Bang Theory - The Junior Professor Solution

One night, two new episodes of BBT.
If there was a female version of this, that'd be me right now.
According to the plot summary of this episode from the CBS website, Sheldon has to teach a class and Howard takes it. I'm expecting a lot of peanut-gallery comments, since he's always been the quickest with comebacks out of the group. This ought to be good.

Also I should mention that Sheldon is reeeeally reluctant about the teaching job.

Penny is avoiding Bernadette because she's finding her annoying and it's making Amy (and me) uncomfortable because this kind of thing is terribly awkward and kinda mean...

Can we just ban couple-names? Raj + his girlfriend = Kuthrapemily or Emmipali. Bad. Just cringeworthy. And as an Emily, I know my name wouldn't ever pair well with that of any hypothetical future boyfriend I might have. So just let's ban them. For the good of mankind.

Amy is playing a bit of a double-agent because Bernadette is complaining to her about Penny now - I HAVE BEEN THERE AND IT IS TERRIBLE. DON'T FALL INTO THAT TRAP, AMY!

Callback to the episode where Sheldon taught Penny about physics! Fig Newtons are named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist. (I knew that!) And Walowitz might get his doctorate, which is good for him, but I will really miss all those 'Howard's the only non-doctor here' jokes.

I always have felt bad for Amy... Her boyfriend couldn't care less about the things going on with her, and now she's 'popular' because she was always so lonely that she's willing to pit her two best friends against each other just so they'll both like her? It's really just kinda sad...

That was brilliant - Howard decided to be a crappy non-paying-attention student because Sheldon was being a crappy teacher and OH GOD HE'S RAPPING. HOWARD IS RAPPING.

But poor Amy, Bernadette and Penny are getting along now so she feels left out.

'Can't talk! Spitball! Probably gonna die!' Totally using that line now whenever someone calls me and I don't want to talk to them.

Howard has got a whole new backbone to him this season, I kinda love it. [Edit: I just managed to put a name on what's happening to him. He's becoming more quippy, and less creepy. Nailed it.]

(Commercial Break) there's a new Nicholas Sparks movie coming out and even though it sounds almost exactly like The Notebook I kinda want to see it because it has JAMES MARSDEN IN IT!! Although he was in the Notebook, and lost the girl... So he doesn't have a great track record. But he's very handsome. So he's got that going for him, which is nice. But I already have an idea of what the poster's gonna look like:


The BBT boys just gave me an idea... to study using a quiz system with chocolate as reward! Why have I never thought of this!

Big Bang Theory - The Locomotion Interruption

The first problem with living in a new house is not knowing which channel is which on the new cable... So I missed the first few minutes of this episode. Tuned in just in time to see pants-less Sheldon whining to people at a train station. Ah, how I've missed him.

To recap last year's season finale:
Sheldon ran away because he didn't know how to handle Leonard and Penny living together, the comic book store is going under so Stuart is now working as a nurse for Howard's mom, and THIS HAPPENED:
Now their babies won't be imaginary at all!!!
I have to say, I hate Penny's hair short. Kaley Cuoco can pull off anything, and she looks gorgeous, but Penny is too childlike and ditzy and the long, curly hair suits her. Maybe this is supposed to go along with her new 'career-woman' persona, but I don't think it works with the character.

Side note: Bernadette's line 'the world is full of things that could cause a rectum to bleed' would make a terrible motivational poster.
In honour of my former Monday-at-8:00 sitcom...
It's a little creepy (to everyone except him) that Stuart is still living with Mrs. Walowitz and kind of becoming her boy toy/replacement for Howard... But at least if they become a couple, we won't have to see them kiss or anything...

On his entire trip, Sheldon never went outside or had a single piece of fruit. Sounds like my idea of a fun weekend...

Fun fact - Howard said Stuart is in his thirties, but Raj thought he was 'like 45' - Kevin Sussman, the actor who plays Stuart, is actually 44.

I'm really glad Amy doesn't just play along with Sheldon's ridiculousness anymore - I've always felt so bad for her! AND HE WANTS TO WHAT - oh nevermind, he was just making sure she couldn't hear him, by pretending he wanted to have coitus with her hahaha I should have seen that coming.

Bernadette is so like me - tiny and nice but can still put the fear of God in someone if they need to get their shit together.

Also, just so you know, NOBODY IS ANYBODY'S FATHER even though Howard and Stuart are both talking down to one another and bossing each other around.

(Commercial break) Holy crap, they're still making Survivor?? Talk about beating a dead horse... Does anyone even watch that anymore???

And Sheldon is with me on the hair thing. Also he's for some reason obsessed with brands of foods.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

SNL - Melissa McCarthy & Phoenix

We open, naturally, with a sketch about Kim Jong Un. Apparently he's more progressive with same-sex marriage than the USA - which is unrelated to the fact that he wants to bomb them. Aaaaand now he's talking about all the women he's slept with. And now his NCAA pool. And in between everything he says, there are shots of North Korean army people applauding. Holy crap they actually brought out Dennis Rodman!! Who I have been watching on Celebrity Apprentice for several weeks... He's as crazy as you'd expect.
Melissa McCarthy is having some trouble getting down the stairs in some crazy high shoes hahah 'are you sure that intro song wasn't shorter than last time?' And then she takes the saxaphone player's chair. And faceplants on the stage! Well, I must say that's probably a first for the monologues on this show.
Taran pops out in a vest and hat and bowtie because apparently they were supposed to be doing a musical number, but she can't stand up - HOLY CRAP THAT GUY CAN DANCE! He jumped and did a split midair!! And he can sing too!! How come he never gets any musical sketches?! PS it was his Taran's birthday on Monday (April Fool's day, coincidentally... Not surprised!) Happy Birthday Taran!!! Love you!!! :)
And he's engaged to Cobie Smulders from How I Met Your Mother!!! What a hilarious couple!!!
Bill Heder is a super-serious news anchor talking about a basketball coach who is even worse than the violent asshole who was fired from Rutgers University for swearing, hitting, and belittling his team this week. She's Tasering a teacher, insisting that the teams serve her meals.. And threw a toaster at someone. Well that was unpleasant. Parody of The Voice, Melissa squeals out a 'song' that I didn't quite understand.. Bill does a remarkable impersonation of Adam Levine! And everyone loved her kinda-singing but she kinda doesn't understand what any of them want from her. And she decides to go with Cee-Lo, even though he's not a judge this season! Ahahaha...
Next she's a chef who takes the ham bake-off way too seriously, and does a song and dance routine with Taran and Bobby dressed like pigs to try to influence the judges... 
HAM. http://tmblr.co/ZpdRYui5UISP
Somehow pricelessly weird. Maybe it's Taran's face. Or the caption.
And then places 7th out of 8, which is good enough for her!
A fauxmercial for something that allows you to have an entire office workstation in the stall of the bathroom - which is a hilarious idea hahaha plus I love things that fit into a tiny space! Except then it's a 'fake' fauxmercial and at the end it says 'don't let it come to this. Stop texting and checking e-mail on the toilet. Nothing's that important. And it's disgusting.' Well said, SNL, well said!!
I have never heard of this band Phoenix. Is that me being out of touch, or SNL being all hipster again? Not sure.
But anyway, speaking of phoenixes (phoeni? I was never sure, that was my highschool mascot and we never knew how to pluralise it), here's the awesome second song off the new Fall Out Boy album - I give you 'The Phoenix'!!!!
AND OH MY GOD IT WOULD BE SO AWESOME IF FALL OUT BOY WENT ON SNL TO CELEBRATE THE END OF THEIR 'HIATUS'!!! *fingers crossed this happens soon*
As for people I love almost as much as Pete Wentz (really close race guys), here's Seth Meyers!! I think I missed a joke somewhere, because Seth made a cute smiley face at the camera and the audience loved it.
Jacob the bar mitzvah boy is back!! So cute!!
I was too busy enjoying Seth's cuteness to remember any of his jokes to quote.. But now we have Charles Barkley on as a guest to talk about the NCAA tournament! And about that one player who broke his leg HORRIBLY (I saw the video, and photos, and it made me - someone who regularly looks at decomposing bodies - feel nauseous) he says 'You know how he broke his leg? He jumped. If you hurt yourself that badly just from jumping, basketball may not be the sport for you'.
OH MY GOD DRUNK UNCLE!!!! He's my third-favourite recurring Weekend Update guest, after That Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party, and this guy:
STEFON!!!! I can never get enough of him!!!
At one point, Drunk Uncle just looks at his glass and starts singing: 'I wanna know what love is...' Seth interrupts and then 'I want you to show me!!!!' AND THEN OH MY GOD DRUNK UNCLE HAS A BROTHER AND IT'S PETER DINKLEDGE FROM GAME OF THRONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS PRICELESS!!!!!
Photo
"People are all 'Tumble me, Tumble me'" and then they both started singing and I had to bury my face in a pillow to stifle my laughter and not wake up my roommate. Damn you, SNL, for being on so late at night!
The next sketch is a ripoff of Wheel of Fortune and Bill is the awesome host and Melissa is the Vanna White replacement who doesn't know what she's doing and flips over all the letters on the board when she's trying to find the D's because she doesn't know where anything is, but she manages to do it all while flipping back and forth and gesturing and it's just so silly - especially Bill's reactions to everything! Then she flips over everything because she's trying to 'concentrate' and Fred goes 'I'd like to solve the puzzle' and Bill says 'I'd imagine you would' haha and he guesses the wrong quote.. what a dumbass.
Melissa goes into a bank and asks Jason for a loan so that she can start her own business - to eat pizza. She wants to eat people's leftover pizza, as her job, and keeps repeating her full name and trying to hand him a pen to sign a cheque. I am so confused. Somehow I'm both hungry for pizza and really nauseous at the same time. So she leaves (after shoving a slice of old pizza in her mouth) and then Fred walks in with a box of pizza and says he wishes there was a better way to get rid of old pizza instead of just throwing it out - then Jason stares at him and goes 'oh my god' and back in she comes! Takes the pizza and runs out - in slo-motion, no less.
Kate and Cecily are hosting a fake 90s era show about how women should act to impress men at parties. I love it when they let the new girls carry the sketch! These two are golden! And apparently topics that will attract men include sports scores, blazers, travel mugs, and sports rumours. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend! I have definitely never talked to a guy about travel mugs - or done their next tip, which is 'cupping his elbow in both your hands while raising one knee'. What the hell?!
That was a pretty awesome episode - not quite the 'best ever' as Taran tweeted earlier, but pretty damn good nonetheless!!!

Big Bang Theory - 'The Closet Reconfiguration'

I have been super-busy with school and the like, so I am very sorry I am so behind with everything - trying to catch up! This episode originally aired March 14th, and there is one more to go until I'm caught up - the next new one doesn't air until the 25th.
Howard is throwing all his stuff in Bernadette's closet, and she says they need to tidy it up, unless - Howard suggests - they show the closet to Sheldon and 'the demons in his head take over' and he'll tidy it!
Then the gang comes over for dinner and despite the fact that Bernadette made Thai food from scratch, Sheldon brought his own takeout.
Sheldon is organizing Howard's stuff by season, not by colour like Howard wanted, which confuses me - I don't think Howard's clothes have 'seasons', he wears the same kind of outfit year-round. Turtleneck under a button-up shirt, with skinny jeans and an awesome belt buckle. That's it. 
It's kind of a uniform...

Sheldon finds a letter in the closet from Howard's dad. Which, naturally, he opens, because he needs to know whether it would be classified under 'personal correspondance' or 'memorabilia'.
Howard refuses to read the letter, which showed up on his 18th birthday, because he still won't forgive his father for abandoning him. So he decides to burn it, which sets off the smoke alarm, and that causes another problem because neither of them can reach the ceiling to turn it off.
Leonard and Penny decide to have a dinner party, but a fancy one, not one where people 'dress up' in capes and costumes. Teehee.
Bernadette wants to know what the letter said, but can't bring herself to ask Sheldon about it, so Penny agrees to ask him about it while Bernadette is there.
The girls corner him in the laundry room and ask about the letter. After some haggling, he agrees to tell them.
Raj is helping Leonard plan the dinner party and wants the theme to be 'turn of the cantury Moulin rouge' hahah. Then Sheldon comes into the room with his laundry and tells Leonard sarcastically that he was 'pulling off a heist at the museum of laundry baskets'. Then Leonard and Raj inquire about the letter and he decides to tell them too because Penny would have told them anyways.
When Bernadette and Howard arrive at the party, she decides to tell him that she knows about the letter, and he storms in to the apartment to scream at Sheldon - who then decides to use Amy as a human shield.
When everyone tells Howard that they know about the letter too, he storms out.
Eventually Bernadette finds him in the closet looking at photos of him and his father when he was young, and she tells him she has a surprise for him, and leads him out into the living room -
where the gang is waiting, so somber-looking you'd think they were at a funeral.
They tell him that they came to a decision, to all tell him things that could have possibly been the contents of the letter, that way he would know, and not know at the same time. And maybe a funeral is an appropriate analogy, because what they all said made me cry!! Here they are:
Raj: "It was a card for your 18th birthday, inside it said 'happy birthday Howard, I love you, Dad.' And it was a Far Side card? The one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the bottom of an airplane? He thinks it's a fly. Silly frog." (That sounds made-up, typical Raj's imagination to be so detailed haha)
Sheldon: "It was a map, leading to the famous buried treasure of a pirate named One-Eyed Willie". (Nice try Sheldon, Howard knew that was the plot of Goonies)
Come on, of course he would have seen Goonies and known the reference Sheldon was making!!!

Amy: "You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your highschool graduation, and he cried because he was so proud of you." (Lots of tears at that one)
Penny: "It was a letter, explaining that your dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his old life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave." (That one's so sad, I hope it's not true!)
Leonard: "Your dad wrote about how family is the most important thing, and you should never throw it away like he did." (Wise words, even if Leonard made them up)
Bernadette: "In the envelope was a picture of your dad holding you on the day you were born. On the back he wrote 'Howard, my son, my greatest gift.'" (SO MANY TEARS!!)
They decide to go back to the party, and on the way Sheldon tells Howard that there are some 'saucy bits' in Bernadette's diary HAHAHAHA!!!
Then Sheldon goes and cleans Penny's closet... And finds some 'interesting' things in there too... But we'll leave that for next week.
This episode was a lot more emotional than I expected, but it was nice to see one centered around Howard as a grown man with real emotions, rather than just his typical, horndog self. I actually felt bad for him. But damn, I really want to know which one of the 'letters' was real!!!

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

HIMYM - 'The Fortress'

Barney and Robin are having important discussions about their upcoming wedding, and he explains why his bed is on train tracks - because it would send women outside when he didn't want them to spend the night. Also, that flashback is a lie, because he used to only have ONE pillow on his bed, for that very same reason. PLOT HOLE!!!!
ONE pillow, people - ONE!!!
Where did all these pillows come from? Unless Robin brought them with her, since 1) Barney's resistant to change, and 2) her apartment didn't match his colour scheme.
Robin suggests they find an apartment of their very own, which he says will be difficult to find an apartment where he hasn't slept with anyone. This will be interesting. Marshall's bummed out because he hasn't seen Lily since she got her new job with The Captain. But there's a show called 'Woodworthy Manor' (basically Downton Abbey) that Marshall and Lily love watching together, and Lily keeps having to dash off to do stuff for the Captain. And then she stumbles in drunk from work and goes to watch with Marshall, but then gets called. Again.
Barney has a floating-head-projector that he uses only for 'really important stuff' like telling Ted Wendy's made a spicy version of the Baconator. And now he wants to 'bestow' on Ted his apartment fortress. Ted says no, and then locks him in the closet where the projector is and he freaks out!! So he doesn't have anyone 'worthy' to sell the apartment to, and Robin gets mad so he sends her and the bed off to who-knows-where ahahaha clever man!
Lily and Marshall were supposed to have a date night, but she got called out to work again, and Ted convinces Marshall to watch Woodworthy Manor without her.
Robin went behind Barney's back and set up an open house for his apartment, so he's mad, and Ted is pretending to be a British guy named Emsbury who is interested in the apartment (also keeps unnecessarily telling people 'I'm a cricket player who secretly hates his life') and when Lily shows up to partake in their charade, Marshall and Ted decide to pretend they are a couple instead, because Ted's 'been there' for Marshall lately, and Lily hasn't. Marshall tells her off repeatedly by pretending that she's a homophobe, and then snaps in a sassy manner.
Barney keeps pointing out the horndog-friendly, patent-pending aspects of his apartment, and turning off everyone who was interested in buying it. Lily decides to turn the tables by insulting Marshall (and another plot hole, she points out the giant plasma TV - BUT BARNEY DOESN'T HAVE A TV, HE HAS A BLANK WALL UPON WHICH IS BLINDINGLY PROJECTED TV STUFF!!! Come on, that was one of my favourite jokes from the episode where Lily stays over at his place!)
Ignore the arrow - LOOK AT THEIR FACES!!! That's them being blinded by Barney's INSANELY BRIGHT WALL-TELEVISION!!!! How could they forget such a crucial joke?!!!
Then Ted starts hitting on one of the prospective buyers of the apartment, and Barney shows off the key-phrase-activated fire sprinklers. Ted and the woman start making out in the closet and they are projected into the room for everyone to see and freak out about!
One couple decides they do still want to buy the place, and Barney gets upset and leaves. Then Marshall gets mad at both Lily and 'Emsbury' for abandoning him, and watches the latest Woodworthy Manor without them and spoils it.
The couple decided they were going to renovate everything in the apartment and pretty much destroy it, so she gets all protective and kicks them out! Then she tells Barney that she doesn't want to force him to change, because she fell in love with him the way he was. 
All together now: Awwwwwwww....
Lily and Marshall make up (even though he accidentally insults her cape) and she tells the Captain that she will work 'tomorrow' because she needs to spend time with Marshall. And Ted's alone. But then that lady from earlier shows up - and off he goes!
Robin and Barney use the escape hatch in Barney's apartment to escape watching Woodsworthy Manor. It sounds so boring - I LOVE IT!!! Hahahha