Bones - The Promise in the Palace

OH MY GOD IT'S THE TODD!!!!! From Scrubs!! In the opening scene! He's one of the guys who was biking through the forest and found the body.

That dude. Whose underwear I have seen entirely too many times.

Christine lost her first tooth, but Brennan doesn't want them to pretend to be the Tooth Fairy - BTW when I was a kid, my Tooth Fairy was hella cheap. She only gave me a dime per tooth, and a quarter for molars. These kids are getting whole DOLLARS?!!

Angela's handsome photographer mentor friend is handsome. And Cam thinks he might be interested in *something more* than just a mentor-mentee relationship. Oh great, another reason for Hodgins to be jealous.

The victim was not a magician, but rather an escape artist, and yet she still worked at a place called the Magic Palace, which I swear is the same name all TV shows use when they need a name for a secret magician's clubhouse.

I'm pretty sure, when they were scrolling through faces very rapidly on the Angelatron, that one of those was just Olivia Wilde...

She could totally be the dead girl, right?? 

Clark is back. He likes magic - Brennan does not. Aubrey thinks that Brennan might have a point about the Tooth Fairy thing, simply because she's smart and an advanced thinker.

OK I know the whole 'zoom and enhance' thing on crime shows is ridiculous, but right there it was also unnecessary - Angela and Aubrey were looking at security footage from an ATM, and they saw the victim go into a building directly across the street. So Angela 'zoomed and enhanced' the building's address number - BUT YOU KNOW WHERE THE ATM IS, SO YOU COULD HAVE JUST USED A MAP!!! Oy vey.

Clark is trying to do magic tricks to impress Brennan, but she doesn't give a damn.

The son of the guy who owned the Magic Palace got jealous because his dad taught Clarissa, the victim, his old tricks, but he thought they were supposed to be passed down to him. So he stalked her for a few days, and saw her kissing some random dude.

OMG hahaha Cam had her signals crossed - Angela's hunky photography mentor wasn't crushing on Angela, he was crushing on her, Cam!! And he's British! But she says no-go, cos she just got out of a long relationship with Arastoo... Awks. But she smiled! Good for her!

You go, Cam! Be happy!! Move on!!

Wait, are you telling me Booth sits reading in a chair beside, and slightly lower than, the bed, rather than, oh, I don't know, ON the bed?? Beds are the most comfortable place to sit reading, hands down. But I guess you'd better not rumple those perfect sheets, eh?

Clarissa's roommate's boyfriend is a caterer, and he was using some kind of fancy truffle oil (which Booth only knew about because Mr. Foodie Aubrey pointed it out) which Clarissa had a reaction to, because truffles are a fungus, and Clarissa was allergic to fungi.

Sucks to be her, because mushrooms are a fungi and they are delicious

The roommate doesn't have an alibi for the night of the murder, but they quickly brush over that, because she was moving to Las Vegas to work in a casino, so the owner of the Magic Palace got ad because he'd invested so much in her and she was taking off... So he killed her. But he was so sad when they arrested him, kept screaming 'Why did she break her promise?'. I almost feel bad for him.

Bones relented on her Tooth Fairy stance, and gave Christine a dollar. Awww... And Booth did a fancy trick thing that I don't understand and Bones doesn't understand, but he somehow replicated a paper that had 'three US attorney's signatures on it'

And Cam called the British guy!! Yaaay!!! 

Bones - The Senator in the Street Sweeper

Nooo don't run over the little raccoon! Oh, it ran away. OK. We're good. Except there's a dead body in the street sweeper - as promised by the title. Ewwww.

So, wait, the murderer just left a dead body on the side of the road? Where anyone could have stumbled upon it? That's dumb.

Duh. Everyone knows this. 

Booth wants to put a TV in their bedroom, and Brennan disagrees because she thinks it'll get in the way of their sexytime.

Jessica (the redheaded intern) has apparently been watching Battlestar Galactica with Aubrey, which first made me say 'awww' but then made me roll my eyes because they're just instilling all of Sweets' traits in him - he was a sci-fi nerd, too. But she swears that's all that's happening, no Netflix and chilling for them, I see.

Brennan is, for some reason, comfortable talking about their sex life in front of Caroline. Hahaha love Caroline so much.

As implied in the title, the dead guy was a senator. Aubrey wants to be a politician and I love it. He's so ambitious!! He also mentioned Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, a classic movie that has been at the top of my 'movies to watch' list forever.

How can you not love Jimmy Stewart?! 

Caroline's boss wants Aubrey to run a background check on Jessica, which is kind of awkward being that she's kind of almost his girlfriend (I think?) and hopefully he doesn't fund anything too sketchy.

Brennan does an imitation of Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, and I'm starting to wonder if the writer of this episode is a fan of classic movies. 

Oh dear. Jessica was a member of Greenpeace and was present when a bomb exploded near a protest  - even though they hadn't planted it - and also was on the road with the band Phish, where there were a lot of drugs, and she says "I know, I had a great time" and he made this face

This is one of the great facial expressions in the history of facial expressions

So Aubrey seems all uncomfortable about the fact that she's being all honest and that it's technically his job to tattle on her, but they he's like 'OK let's just pretend this never happened' and oh Aubrey I'm so disappointed in you... 

Then he tells Caroline (half of) what he found out, realizes that she assigned him this task to show him what he's getting himself into and what followed is the funniest conversation I've seen in a while. I couldn't find it in GIF format, so bear with me.  

Caroline: You have a bright future ahead of you, but first you need to find yourself the right kind of woman

Aubrey: You asking me out? 

Caroline: Chere, you couldn't handle me.

Aubrey: *awkward snort/laugh*

Can we get a spinoff of these two, please??

The senator ran on a platform of supporting coal miners, and then was about to sign a bill about reducing coal emissions. Which naturally upset a lot of coal miners, including a big giant dude that Caroline tried to prosecute for something before, but the witness disappeared.

Bennan is all proud of herself because she figured out that Jessica and Aubrey were seeing each other but now having problems. The senator made a sketchy 2000$ withdrawal every month and also used to go see a young lady at a restaurant on a regular basis, including the night he died. They think he was having an affair, but Brennan figures out the girl is his daughter!!

The senator's wife is somehow now going to take over his seat, because apparently that's a thing, and she's been accused of poisoning him, since she was a diabetic and had access to the kind of needle that had been used to poison him. And the axe used to hack up his body. as was the senate majority leader.

Apparently if you cut yourself on coal, your skin will turn blue. The senator was going to vote against the party, and his assistant was having an affair with his wife so he was the killer.

Brennan got Booth a TV! It's a nice big one, now they're bickering over the remote cos they're adorable.

Speaking of adorable, let's see that Aubrey face one more time

Bones - The Resurrection in the Remains

Don't have a kegger in an old church, it's bad juju.

Typical Bones doesn't like candy for children because she's a killer of fun. But gelatin is fine? Alrighty then...

BTW I've never watched Sleepy Hollow before, but I like Nicole Beharie, and I have quite a few friends who love it. And I don't know how they're going to mix the worlds of super-science Bones with supernatural Sleepy Hollow, but it's sure to be interesting.

Hodgins is wearing creepy demonic contact lenses... It's very creepy.

Plus, why would you cover up those baby blues? 

There's a dead guy underneath the other dead guy - but this one is in a coffin from the 18th century, wearing a British redcoat uniform. And his head is missing. BTW, when you drop a jack-o-lantern, the candle doesn't stay lit, nor in place.

WENDELLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Bones writers are being too good to me. Two Wendell episodes in like 3 weeks?!

BTW, changing the girl's hair colour and adding some peircings would not make the computer recognize her. It goes off of facial proportions. Yeesh.


Hi Abbie and Ichabod! You will be greeted with hostility, apparently.
Except from Angela, because Angela is wonderful, and nice to everybody, and she tells Ichabod she likes his jacket and he does this:

LMAO

I might need to start watching that show and skipping past the supernatural bits, just to watch him...

Brennan tells Ichabod that he and Abbie should get together. Even I know that's hilarious. Also the dead British guy is a bad dude. 

Evil book is evil, full of spells in a druid language, and the victim had it for some reason, Hodgins is all suspicious. Somehow a digital display can mimic candlelight. And the victim took the skull because apparently one of the spells can teach you how to reanimate the dead. 

*Spoooooky* 

Cam finds evidence that the victim was dead two weeks earlier - but she'd been seen since then. Also she might have been beaten to death with the soldier's missing skull.

Something about George Washington and Ichabod having the same handwriting... Time travel is impossible, apparently. And all I thought of when they were discussing 'iron gall ink' was that scene in National Treasure where the clue 'iron pen' leads them to the Declaration of Independence.

But anyways, the victim's friend killed her because she killed and brought him back and he didn't see anything on 'the other side', so he got mad. Kind of an anticlimactic end. Nothing spooky about it.

I just realized there was not a single scene with Aubrey in this episode. What the hell?!

Bones - The Carpals in the Coy-Wolves

OK so the opening scene was kind of funny, with a man taking his son hunting and berating the kid for not 'acting like a man' since the kid watches Project Runway - then they find a body and the dad is the one who screams. Very clever, Bones writers. But kid? DON'T SHOOT THE FREAKING EVIDENCE!!!

Brennan killed the guy in her books who was based on Booth and that's depressing... Remember to alert your spoilers, Booth!

Dr. Wells' hair/beard is super-long and with it, so is his douchieness. And he's mad that he has to deal with a new female intern who may or may not be attractive. Does he just hate everything?

Coy-wolves are apparently a coyote-wolf hybrid. Which is disappointing to me, because I was hoping they were wolves that were extremely bashful.

I mean, they COULD be both... 

Following the death of Agent Andy, Brennan is going to replace him with another, younger, more handsome FBI agent sidekick. Aubrey thinks she was inspired by him and I don't think he's too far off the mark, because that's BASICALLY WHAT THEY DID WITH SWEETS!!! *sobs*

Is he gonna keep referring to himself in the third person?? Cos every time he says 'Agent James' I'm tempted to add 'Bond'...

Wells is grumpy because he's been having issues... shall we say... 'pitching his tent' lately. Awks. 

BETTY WHITE!!!!!! I knew she'd been on an episode but I didn't realize it was this one!! I'm especially excited because I've been watching reruns of The Golden Girls lately. She's the best!! \

This is relevant. Betty White ain't no banana.

The dead guy might have been murdered over fantasy football. Why am I not surprised... Those things can get heated. And of course Betty White's character plays fantasy football hahaha

She also figured out Wells' problem oh my god I love this woman. 

An actual football player got in a Twitter fight with the victim, which is stupid. There are haters all over the internet and the famous people don't respond to it. BTW Booth still has it, and by 'it', I mean his aim with a gun. Badass. 

Brennan is feeling a little inadequate, because Dr. Mayer (Betty) is much more perceptive than she is. And Wells accidentally shot Hodgins with a tranq dart and now he seems kind of drunk and it's hilarious. 

The angry guy who was a part of the league's wife was sleeping with the victim, and he flips out when Aubrey and Booth go to talk to him, all because he was 'in the middle of a trade'. PRIORITIES, PEOPLE!! But it wasn't him, it was the other guy, the one who worked at a sandwich shop. Dr. Mayer figured it out because of the traces of ham that were left on the body. 

Aaaand Hodgins went out in the woods and shot Wells with a dart. IN THE HAND. I cringed and squirmed and it was gross. 

But Dr. Mayer (who apparently has been working for more years than Angela, Brennan, Cam, and Hodgins COMBINED, but I don't see how that works) gave Brennan some good advice about her relationship with Booth, so she agreed that maybe it was a good idea to bring Agent Andy back from the dead. AWWWE

Bones - The Donor in the Drink

Don't explain cremation to a 5-year-old... I'm still creeped out by it and I'm 22.

Aubrey is so darn happy to see Booth again, it's adorable. And he's reeeeally taken over Booth's office. Awkward. Of course Aubrey has a mini fridge, is anyone at all surprised by this??

WENDELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My precious baby is baaaack!!!! 

Thank god for handlebar mustaches! They help make victim identification easier! He invented a flexible mailbox. I feel like Hodgins would totally rock a handlebar 'stache.

Oh my god! It's David! David Berman the actor, a.k.a. David Phillips from CSI!! Interestingly enough, there were two characters on that show with the name David, but the other one was referred to by his surname (Hodges) almost exclusively.

He's moved on quickly.

God, I miss CSI.

How the hell does a mortuary lose ashes?? That's just sad and awful. Major incompetence.

And Cam doesn't want to be pitied by all of her couple-friends. I know that feeling. But at least it's nice that they're making an effort to include her...

The dead guy was killed for his organs which were then sold on the black market. Ew. And OMG when Aubrey makes a sad face, he kinda looks like Ricky Velez from The Nightly Show. 

Like, a lot. 

Aubrey's going undercover as a guy trying to sell his liver. And the woman he contacts is Chief Vick! From  Psych! Tsk tsk, Karen. Working for black market organ dealers now??

Angela's been taking awesome artsy photos, and Hodgins is trying to set up a show to display them, but she's really not on board. His heart was in the right place, though. I love the two of them.

Bones is probably the only person who could get away with ripping open the shirt of a guy in a casket and screaming 'aha!' Because the funeral home was definitely trafficking in stolen body parts. Ewwww.

Aubrey brings Booth what he thought was the box containing Jared's ashes - it's marmalade. Which Booth then tosses in the trash and Aubrey then takes. He's the comic relief that Zach used to be, that Sweets was, that Greg was for the first 5-6 seasons of CSI. And I love it.

Chief Vick! I mean, Nina, why would you just pick up a random dead guy and believe that there's nothing sketchy about that. Meanwhile, Wendell is getting a seriously guilty conscience about the possibility of shutting down the black market for people who really need organs. You're good people, Mr. Bray.

And good looking too, amiright??

Awwww Aubrey gave Bones his old office back. I'm so happy! 

Holy crap, David's character was in fact the killer. (The victim's apprentice) and holy shit he'd donated a kidney? For money? To help keep their business alive?! Damn, that's desperate. 

So I gather from this show that Angela really liked taking pictures of stairs. And everything is in black and white, so you know it's *art*. In all seriousness, may we all find a partner as supportive as Hodge-podge. 

Turns out Jared's ashes weren't missing at all, Christine had used the box so that she could climb in and out of Hank's crib. Awwww... But surely such a resourceful child couldn't find a stool or something?

Bones - The Brother in the Basement

The beginning is basically a flashback to what happened before the case the team investigated in the last episode - they're shown torching the van with Jared's dead body in it. Except for the fact that the guy in the van is CLEARLY not Brendan Fehr.
But whatever.

Jon is not pleased with the continuity errors. 

I completely forgot that Cam and Booth had romantic history! So obviously she knew Jared. So she's sad. Aww poor Cam. 

Brennan wants her job back!! We all knew that was coming but still, it's pretty nice. She and Aubrey go with Miller to Miller's missing partner's house. Aubrey goes into the fridge (of course) Brennan chastises him for looking for a snack (of course) and then this happens:

We know you too well, Aubrey.

And then they find A FINGER!! EWWWW

I thought I was done being grossed out by this show, but Cam removing the bone from the inside of a finger, and then inserting her own (gloved) finger inside the skin made me gag hardcore. The finger belonged to the missing agent's fiancee.

The bad guys are all mocking Booth for hemorrhaging - nice partners in literal crime you have there, Booth. He ends up taking matters into his own hands and cauterizing the wound with silver nitrate - Don't do that at home, kids! - and he screamed and I cringed.

Aubrey and Miller find two dead bodies being ravaged by vultures in an abandoned barn, doused in battery acid. One is identified as the fiancee of the missing agent but we don't know about the other.

HOT NERD ALERT!!!
Sorry. This handsome guy showed up looking for Angela, Brennan waved him off as a stripper or something, and then he held up a brace-wrapped wrist and informed her he was a digital forensic scientist with the FBI, but "I usually wear my glasses, if it helps. Also I have carpal tunnel and two cats at home named Stephen and Hawking." CATS!! The man has CATS!!! I'm in love already.

I, too, has a kitty. 

The other body is finally confirmed to be Bannerman, Miller's missing partner. And the new guy, Dr. Metzger, starts sniffling like he's going to cry and awwww... Angela feels bad for him, Hodgins is suspicious that the two of them are talking (of course).

Oh snap, Booth's sketchy criminal pal just got a text saying Booth can't be trusted and he has to kill him. Dun dunnn...

Christine calls Brennan because she's all worried about Booth. Aww. Sad. There was a sketchy blue van following Bannerman around in a few weeks before he disappeared. The driver was a member of the Aryan Brotherhood because this only thing this episode was missing was white supremacists! Said asshole for some reason has a problem with Caroline. But apparently he was a CI for Bannerman. Caroline and I are equally disgusted.

They figure out that Miller and Bannerman were a couple, and he had left her for his fiancee. Oooh. Messy.

Brennan offered Arastoo an unsolicited compliment (awww) and they figured out that the person who beat Bannerman to death was wearing brass knuckles! They gave us an interesting fact - contrary to their name, brass knuckles usually aren't made of brass, rather steel. But this person must have an injured hand. Ohhh dear. Not the hot nerd!

The other two bad guys turn on Booth and the head honcho, something about the 'deal' being cancelled. Apparently the main guy had refused to kill Booth, but the others saw the text messages and decided the money was what they wanted so they try to kill him instead. Bastards.

Caroline should know that Brennan never does what she's told - and that includes not going into interview rooms if her husband's life is in danger.

Here's something I don't get - one of the bad guys was shooting an automatic weapon at Booth, and Booth locks himself in some kind of boiler room and opens the window to try and get out. The window shows that it's broad daylight and they're in the basement of a building that looks to be downtown somewhere, with tons of people walking around. So nobody on the street heard all the shooting?!!

Booth is a smarty pants, using the old 'hide from the bad guy and make it look like you've escaped, then sneak up on him from behind' trick. And then he emerges from the basement just as Brennan shows up outside. Timing!

So after Angela and Hodgins leave in the perfect image of married bliss, Cam and Arastoo have a little heart-to-heart, and I'm pretty sure they're breaking up. Also pretty sure he's leaving because he doesn't want to be an intern for the rest of his life. That makes me very very sad, even though I never really liked him that much... But I love Cam and I love the fact that he made her happy. How many more new interns are we gonna need?! They're dropping like flies (not literally... Except Vincent. And now I'm sad)

Miller is leaving, but she brought Aubrey a peace offering. That's sweet. His favourite whiskey is the cheapest kind, and it causes Caroline to choke, which is adorable. I love that their dynamic is starting to mirror that of her and Booth.

Bones - The Loyalty in the Lie

Bones premiere time!!!
The last time this happened, you bastards ripped my heart in  two, so let's not have that happen again, shall we??

I still miss you, Sweets

Brennan had her baby, a little boy named Hank, and he's precious of course. Their genes would make the most adorable children ever. Hank's also wearing a Flyers onesie and HAHAHA this just happened:

@David_Boreanaz And the #Flyers are big Hank Booth fans. (And we guess Seeley Booth too...)

— Philadelphia Flyers (@NHLFlyers) October 2, 2015

Cam's hair is long again, and she's considering hiring Arastoo as the replacement for Brennan. But oh dear, can you say conflict of interest??

They find a body with a gun burned into it, after someone set a van on fire. And Angela is freaking out because the gun belonged to Booth and that theoretically means the body is Booth and MY GOD WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT NOT HURTING ME DEEPLY

Just kidding, Emily Deschanel tweeted this photo of a Booth hospital bracelet so he's not dead. But he's still missing. And his wedding ring was found at the house - in the box where his gun should be, but isn't. So something hinky is going on here. Seems kinda early for a lengthy montage interspersed with flashbacks, but there it is...

Brennan runs into the room and says "It's not Booth!" But we knew that already... And so she uses that moment to look down on Arastoo because he missed the lack of an injury that indicated it wasn't Booth. And I also think this is the first time I've heard her refer to him as 'my husband' so many times in one scene.

Aubrey has sprouted a backbone and nearly bites the head off of some Internal Investigations lady who comes in referring to the missing man Booth as 'a suspect'. Uhh... It's not possible that the dead guy could have stolen Booth's gun? Or that Booth gave it to him for protection??

Same woman is now taking Brennan on, and I hate making this generalization when meeting a new female character, but OH MY GOD SHE'S SUCH A BITCH (who is just doing her job BUT IN THE MOST BITCHY LEAST SENSITIVE MANNER POSSIBLE)

Oh my god the dead body is Jared.. As in Jared Booth. Which makes me sad, because I really liked him and wanted him to come back at some point buuuut I guess that ain't gonna happen. Also explains why Booth would have given him his gun.

Oh Jared. We hardly knew ye. 

Someone sent Booth a Boy-Scout coded message that Aubrey translates to 'GO' from a burner cell, that was bought by Jared. Wow, they managed to get back the actress who played his wife after all that time, only for her to be throwing rudeness in all directions - but her I will let off the hook because she just found out her husband was killed. This is mourning rudeness.

Arastoo was going to propose to Cam, Angela found out, but he was embarrassed after missing important things in the case, so he thinks she'll say no, but then she accidentally sees the ring box and so he shows her the ring but doesn't ask anyways, and then Hodgins walks in and thinks he's proposed but they have to correct that assumption and he just leaves all awkwardly. Ah, classic Bones.

Oooooh, preeeeetttty

Aubrey and the II lady go to interview one of Jared's army buddies, who tells her "I resent you putting your garbage assumptions on him." GOOD FOR YOU SIR.

Stereotypical scene of Brennan looking into her old office with a longing face, and Angela bringing her yogurt (because that's what women eat when they're sad, right??) and them discussing Booth which then cuts away to a shot of Booth lying bleeding (from a gunshot wound?) in an alley.

David Boreanaz has been sharing hilarious 'theories' on what happened to Booth on Twitter

Booth is off looking for his socks! The sock thief ...

— David Boreanaz (@David_Boreanaz) October 2, 2015

Booth is off writing the great American Novel

— David Boreanaz (@David_Boreanaz) October 2, 2015

Booth fell out of the car on the freeway and he's bleeding out! Need gauze

— David Boreanaz (@David_Boreanaz) October 2, 2015

All their evidence leads them to a giant fancy mansion-type house where they go in with a SWAT team and then, even though the majority of the house is pristine, there's a room with 3 or 4 guys all shot dead inside it, and blood everywhere. Oh dear. None of them is Booth, but I'm SUUUUURE stupid II lady will want to keep calling him a 'suspect' again.

So it was a robbery gone wrong, and the lady said "we will get who ever is behind this. And one of them is Booth." Aubrey did that clenched-jaw thing he does that's kinda hot but also makes him look like he's about to smack someone.

BTW it should be mentioned that Caroline is back and I love her so much, She did some digging on Agent Miller (from II) and her partner had also gone missing - a fact she seemed happy to leave out.

It was a 5-man team who broke in, and they stole about 2 million dollars. But now they've figured out that Booth has been hurt and is bleeding and needs help. Somehow he managed to find a bathroom and he's cleaning himself up, but is clearly in a lot of pain - and with some unsavoury characters. Also with Jared's army buddy who Aubrey interviewed earlier. And a looooot of money.

Aaaaaaand 'To be continued.'
RUDE!!!

One more time for me, Jon... 

Bonus: This happened during the West Coast airing of the show. I love those two

@David_Boreanaz I thought you would know. #checkingthesubshop

— John Boyd (@johnny_boyd) October 2, 2015