SNL - Christoph Waltz & Alabama Shakes

Sooooo he won an Oscar, I guess I should get around to watching the episode of SNL he was on!!! Side note, did anyone else notice that 3 big winners: Christoph, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway hosted SNL this season?? Plus Seth McFarlane, Oscar host?!! Coincidence, or total psychic-ness?? None of the other nominees in those categories hosted! Weird! And Daniel Day-Lewis should totally host soon, his acceptance speech was written off the top of his head and HILARIOUS! Plus that would make them 4-for-4, even if one was after the fact and... kind of cheating. I could talk about the Oscars all day, I loved them this year, so I'm going to shut up here.
ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
The opening sketch is about the broken-down Carnival Cruise ship. Which, as Jon Stewart pointed out, CNN was paying waaaay too much attention to the last couple days. Sure it's gross, but there are way more important things happening in the world than some stranded tourists. They had supplies being dropped in, everyone was safe. Calm down, CNN. Apparently all the other news was bad haha... Which is true. The pope resigning, Oscar Psitorious, North Korea's nuclear crap... Was any of that on CNN?! Well, probably, but not much. This is why I don't watch the news. They're depressing. And Fred's awful-on-purpose Michael Jackson impersonation was about as bad as most of Fred's other impressions. But somehow that made it kind of funny.
I apologise for my grumpiness, I spent the last hour-ish stubbornly trying to find Jesse Eisenberg's SNL monologue with no luck, because SNL is really uptight about releasing free stuff, and hulu.com and nbc.com hate Canadians. Thumbs down.  

WHEREFORE ART THOU, YOU PRECIOUS MAN-CHILD???!!!!

What happened to the regular announcer guy?! That intro sounded like Bill Hader with a plugged nose...
Christoph is not German, he's Austrian! And he's the first German-speaking person to ever host the show. Good for him! Everyone's making fun of stereotypes from Austria - they do that about Canadians too! Stinkin' How I Met Your Mother... So he sings instead. That was pretty cute.
Now he's hosting a pointless game show where he interviews people about their lives that are kind of sad... It's called What Have You Become haha and they're like 'uhh... nothing' and that's depressing as hell!! Then they bring out old relatives of each of them, who also question what they have become. Then Bill and his rubber face start crying - and Aidy's character asks the host what he's become and he gets all sad too. Well then. For someone who's just been questioning her choice of school and career path, this was awkward and depressing.
Fauxmercial with Waltz as the Pope, Jason is talking about what he needs to do to ensure financial security once he retires. Well, they've got a pretty small customer base, don't they??

Clearly the Pope wants to join a rock band!!

Kevin Hart is hosting next week, but then AFTER THAT IS JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE I'M SO EXCITED!!!!
Nasim gets to be another adorably awkward character, a girl named Tippy who is late to understand jokes, that or she thinks something funnier is going to happen earlier than it does. And then she says stuff that makes everyone uncomfortable. But her facial expression and voice are PERFECT! Possibly loosely based on Amy Farrah Fowler.
Apparently Quentin Tarantino made another movie, about Jesus coming back to life and getting revenge. Also, he chopped Fred's head in half. Even though it was super-fake, it was VERY gross. But evidently less violent than Passion of the Christ lol
Taran and Cecily are trying to get 'straight up and down sexy' and so they're listening to The JeMarcus Brothers Jay and Keenan (Keenan was named Marcus JeMarcus, because he was 'named in a big old hurry' hehe) and then Christoph pops in as Engelbert JaMarcus and says stuff that makes no sense. And Cecily doesn't think there's anything weird about the clearly out-of-place 'adopted white virgin' but Taran is like 'what the hell is going on here?!' and it's funny but at the same time EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
Also, I'm not sure why Christoph has an accent ALL the time on the show, can't he do an American accent? I know he has in his movies, so why not now? Weird.
Watching online so I skipped the Alabama Shakes performance... Not really in the mood to listen to unfamiliar music, soo.... Sorry y'all, I'm sure they were great, but I'm tired.
YAY SETH!!! He can probably bring me out of my semi-lousy mood!! Apparently that weird senator who lunged sideways to drink some water during the State of the Union address ate a whole bag of peanuts and beef jerky beforehand. That makes sense. And now he's trying to redo the speech and he sounds like me with my very hoarse throat due to a cold, he di dthe cinnamon challenge and is lunging on front of poor Seth who was trying to HAND him the bottle. I AM DYING this was better than Jon Stewart's mockery of it.. Apparently Russians haven't heard Kelis' 'Milkshake' or 'Who Let the Dogs Out' by the Baha Men until recently.
Jay Pharoah is a funny guy I don't know - that basketball dude who makes huge elaborate speeches to all his 'personal friends' the players haha... He's awesome. And somehow when he says Dwight Howard, it sounds like 'Da White House'. Or maybe I'm just too tired. 

"I let a guy and his family vacation on my forehead for a week!"

Oh lord, I want Fred Armisen to leave. GTFO. His bitchy she-character Regine is annoying and not at all funny. And bitchy. And creepy. And also not funny. And since she's the only 'character' in the sketch, everyone else is just acting like normal people who are encountering this horrible person, so there are no laughs from me. And Fred's legs are freakishly skinny. For once I'm incredibly glad for the ad in the middle of the screen unless the video is fullscreened! OH MY GOD THEY CRACKED UP!!! Apparently Bill spilled wine all over Fred during dress rehearsal of this sketch lol..

PRICELESS when comedians crack themselves up!! (this is from dress rehearsal)

But Bill laughed!! And Fred actually laughed OUT LOUD and had to stop talking, that's so rare!! Props to Vanessa, who kept a straight face the whole time, that girl is a ROCK... And then Bill kept his glass pressed against his mouth for the rest of the scene, you just KNOW he was giggling!!! I love when he does that!!
YAAY Fox & Friends!! I love this sketch, especially Bobby's vacant facial expression, and all the 'corrections' they run at the end haha. Ted Nugent (Bill) thinks 'describe yourself in 1 word' means 'list 12 or so words', including 'wang', 'dang', and 'wheooooo!'. Apparently Christoph (who I seriously thought was Fred when he came on) can do a British accent, Bobby ate his passport instead of a pancake, and I just realised his eyebrows do NOT match his hair. 

Bobby's face. Ohhh Bobby's face.

AND NOW for the corrections!! Here are some good ones:
The 'T' in BLT does not stand for terrorism. (weird, I had a BLT today... definitely did not eat any terrorists)
The Vatican is not accessible through a wardrobe.
February is a month. (I really want to know what they said it was..)
The Constitution did not 'write itself'.
The real Abraham Lincoln lived longer than 3 hours.
A 'pin code' and a 'pine cone' are two different things.
Plants are alive, but they cannot watch TV.
The similar names of North Dakota and South Dakota are not a coincidence. (LOVE that one!)
And finally: Mumford's daughters are not in foster care. HAHAHA!!
The woman from Alabama Shakes sounds a little bit like Janice Joplin and scares me slightly, but I liked that song!

Her hair reminds me of Hagrid... It's just so... big!!

Christoph as a creepy security guard left a creepy love letter for Cecily at her desk and she's all 'OMG Demetri you have to question people and see if it's them!!' And he accuses Bill and Keenan and Jason, everyone but her knows that it was him. And he even included a picture of himself in a tank top leaning on a car that she thinks is Photoshopped... They go to leave and she finds another letter with a photo of a black guy's dick and Keenan's freaks out, 'it was totally you, Jason' hahaha nice how they switched that around at the end, I actually was not expecting that...
The host was not bad, he can only do so much with the material he was given, and unfortunately most of the stuff this week was awkward and uncomfortable. I'd have to say, the Fox & Friends sketch and Tippy were probably the best parts... Poor Christoph kept getting cast as a creepy or socially awkward dude, there's only so much he can do!
See you next week, and then after that...
I CAN'T WAIT FOR JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!! GAAAH!!!!