Glee - 'Glee, Actually'

Sue is writing in her journal. And I know this episode is going to make me sad that Christmas is over. Damn my procrastination. She's talking about '5 seemingly seperate storylines that are broken up by commercial breaks and then tied together at the end with a beautiful bow. Like that movie Love Actually.' Or New Year's Eve, What to Expect When You're Expecting, Valentine's Day, or He's Just Not That Into You. They make a lot of movies like that. And she doesn't think anyone really likes it, 'yet it is constantly on cable.' HA! So true.
OMG SOMEONE BEAT ARTIE UP!!! He's got a huge scrape on the side of his face, and he's super-pissed and looks like he's gonna cry. But apparently it was actually caused by him slipping on the ice on the wheelchair ramp, because the janitor didn't put any salt on it. Poor kid. :( Finn is a total sweetheart as usual and is concerned and takes him to the nurse. 

They have such a bromance going on! It's adorable!!!
Also, their couple name would be Fartie. LOL

Poor Artie is sad and incredibly down on himself and then he says 'I wish I was never in that dumb chair.' Then everything turns black and white and he wakes up and he can walk - also he's wearing a football jacket. Tina is still stuttering, because they never became friends - and Rory the Irish boy is back!! Apparently he's Artie's guardian angel and has granted his wish!!! OMG IT'S LIKE It's A Wonderful Life!!!! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!!!! Parallel universes are freaking awesome!! So here's the run-down: Finn is an ass, he Ryder and Puck(!) are picking on Kurt, who hasn't graduated because he was homeschooled to avoid bullying and it set him back a year, also he and Blaine never met; (but hang on, shouldn't Finn and Puck have also graduated? Or are they just too stupid?) Becky is now the school slut because Artie never treated her with respect, so she never learned to respect herself; Mr. Schue never was able to form the Glee club because noone wanted to join so now he spends all his money on 'booze and flannel shirts' HAHA and he's still married to Terry, who is carrying around a doll all the time because he's too drunk to notice it's not a real baby. Also she thinks Artie is cute, and Emma got married to Coach Ken.
Rachel is a libararian at the school, and she's never been in anything more prestigious than the chorus of the local production of the The Music Man. He has no idea what's happening, so he chases her around and yells at her - like the part from It's a Wonderful Life where George chases down Mary!! Rory tells him that he was actually the 'glue' of the Glee club, and he never joined the club because he was too busy playing football.
So he pulls together everyone into what is now Sue's craft room, and sings 'Feliz Navidad' and dances and I am SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM DANCE!!! Gah he's one of the best dancers on the show and never gets to do his thing... Oh also, in this timeline, Quinn is dead. :(
Then he wakes up in the nurse's room and Finn is talking to him, and he gets back in his chair and is content to be the way he is. And on the way out of the room, he rings the little bell by the door. SO RORY GETS HIS WINGS!!! AWWWW!!!! :)

I've missed that sweet little angel!!

Now we see Rachel and Kurt in New York, she's going home and then on a cruise with her dads, so Rachel looks all sad and then there's a knock on the door and they open it and OMG IT'S BURT!!! He has a tree!!! Then they decorate it and talk about when Kurt was little how Burt forgot to buy a tree the first year after his mom died. Then they sit down and have a chat, and we find out Burt has prostate cancer :( ohh nooooo!!! But he caught it early so he's doing well... But it's still sad!!
They swap one gift on christmas eve, and Burt tells Kurt that his gift is too big to put under the tree, so he has to go to an address to get it - he gets there, and IT'S BLAINE!!!! OMFG!!!! And Kurt has a weird facial expression part-shock and part-happiness... Blain promises to look after Burt back home, and then they do their Christmas duet, exactly like the Shania Twain & Michael Buble version of 'White Christmas'! My mom has that CD! I gave it to her two years ago and we all love it :)

Then Jake gets in a fight with those football jerks and Puck steps in and kicks their butts!! He says he's becoming a screenwriter and wants Jake to come to L.A. with him (in a sidecar, no less) and they go there and sneak onto the Paramount lot (I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO ON A MOVIE OR TV SET!!) and sing a Hanukkah song to show off how Jewish they are lol. Typical Puckermans. (Puckermen?) Puck takes Jake to a big house that apparently he cleans the pool for, and the homeowners come home and chase them off -.- Because apparently his 'apartment full of Ikea furniture I never figured out how to put together' wouldn't impress Jake and make him want to move down there. Oh Puck. Also, he has a big scar on the back of his head, maybe that's why he always had that mohawk...
Then Jake has the brilliant idea of inviting both of their mothers to dinner at Breadsticks, even though their mothers hate each other. That's awkward. We finally get to meet Jake's mom - and OH MY GOD!!!! 

IT'S THIS LADY!!!!

I love this lady!!! She played Charlie (Joey and then Ross' girlfriend) on Friends AND before that was on CSI, now she's on Glee!! Is there anything she can't do?!!!
I would also like to point out that Jane Lynch was on all of those shows as well. But that's not surprising. That lady is EVERYWHERE.
Britney found out about the world ending on December 21st (spoiler Brit, it doesn't actually end) and so she spent all her money giving her friends awesome gifts - a car fot Tina, a 3-week vacation in Tahiti (I think?) for Ryder, and a Rolex for Marley. LMAO I wish I had friends that niaeve and that generous!!! Then Sam tells her that he also believes it's the end of the world - because 'all you have to do is look at the numbers.' Riiiiiight. and they decide they're going to tell everyone they know how they really feel about them. This should be interesting.
Tina is irresponsible wanting to become an actor, Joe hasn't made an impression on her, and she thinks Marley is delightful. All of them are confused and leave, so Sam sings and dances 'Jingle Bell Rock' with a bunch of Cheerios with reindeer antlers!! Awww... I couldn't find my antlers this year, and it made me really sad :(
Then he gets down on one knee and says 'here's another rock - before the world ends, will you marry me?' and I literally yelled 'HOLY shit' and then covered my mouth and made a O.O face. Did not see that one coming.
Also Coach Beiste has been ordained so she can marry them and Britney looks so pretty I think I'm gonna cry - where did she get that dress so fast? I want to cry but also laugh because this is so silly and they're in HIGHschool for crying out loud...
Also, then Sam wakes up 4 days later and freaks out because the world didn't end and they're still married.
Sue draws Marley's mom for Secret Santa, and Sue is not happy about this (also Becky is spoiled and doesn't like any of Sue's gifts to her) then Sue sees Marley talking to her mother about how they don't need to get christmas gifts this year (not even a tree) because all their money is going to counselling for Marley's eating disorder, since each session with the doctor costs 200$. Then she says 'if you want to give me a gift, sing me something' and then Marley sings 'the First Noel' and I cried because she sounds like such an angel.... It's my favourite christmas carol and she sang it so beautifully :')
Sue looks like she might tear up too, so she decides to sell the 7000-year-old tree she cut down to decorate (don't ask) and sell it for luxury toothpicks? Did I hear that right? And all the money is going to 'a very important cause' and Marley and her mom wake up and there is a HUGE tree in their living room, with ornaments all over it, and all the presents Becky didn't want under it, and a little stocking on it full of 100$ bills - I'm not sure why, but when Marley's mom saw it she said 'I am going to pass out' and for some reason the way she said it made me laugh so hard!! Sue and Becky are creepily looking in through the window and I'm tearing up so much... First Artie's robot-legs back in season 2, now this?!! Such a typical Grinch-story :')
Jake and Puck's moms are bonding over their mutual hatred of the guys' dad, Puck is gonna move back to Lima (yay!), Coach Beiste tells Sam and Brit that they're not actually married, then because they're sad about the sense of urgency being gone, she fakes her phone buzzing, and tells them that a new Mayan calendar has been discovered by a guy named Indiana Jones, and the new end of the world is September 27th, 2014. And they believe her. Nice one, Coach haha.
Burt wins the bet on how long Kurt will last watching the basketball game, and Blaine is thinking of applying to NYADA.
Then Marley's mother shows up at Sue's office and says 'I just wanted to say thank you for what you did for Marley and me' and Sue deadpans what is hands-down the funniest line of this episode - 'I have no idea that you're talking about, I had nothing to do with the making of that film.' I FELL OVER LAUGHING OH MY GOD SO GOOD!!!! She says that she can't take the money, and tries to return it, but Sue says 'you take it, and you make sure your daughter gets better'. Then the mother asks Sue if she would follow her, because Marley wanted to say thank you too and Sue asks if 'this involves the Glee club singing a Christmas song in the auditorium with snow falling on an elaborate winter scene?' then she makes a face and goes to watch haha.
They all sing 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' and the Pucks as well at Britney and Sam (who are all still at Breadsticks) all join in - so do Kurt and Blaine in NYC. Awwwwe :')

FINN IN A CARDIGAN. THAT JUST HAPPENED.